Tim Coates shares a lifetime of wisdom in how he moved beyond abandonment issues

Coach Maddox  0:04  
Tim Coates is my guest for today, Tim, welcome to The Authentic Gay Man Podcast, my friend, I am so glad you are here.

Tim Coates  0:15  
Likewise, likewise, Maddox.

Coach Maddox  0:19  
So just to tell the listeners a little bit about how we know each other, and I'm starting to sound a little bit like a broken record at this point, Tim and I met probably almost a year ago now in a large virtual gay group on Facebook. And we were in varying different group calls together and got acquainted that way. And over the last year, we've multiple times have we gotten together on Zoom and had one on one conversations and gotten to know some of each other and made friends and gained report. It's been really beautiful. And, and as a result, Tim has agreed to come on as a guest. So I'm delighted to have you. So we can just jump right in. And my first question is, what does it mean to you to be an authentic gay man?

Tim Coates  1:15  
Thanks, Maddox, I guess, just unscripted and unfiltered. It means being totally comfortable in your own skin. Liking, loving and respecting yourself, um, being open to change and new ideas and new knowledge until your last breath. It means sharing your truth and your vulnerabilities to to those who are open to receiving that. It means, for example, just being with you, being open to conversations about who I am, how I am, where I'm come from, and what current dreams and intentions I'm holding, and where I hope to go in the future, to grow and to be happy and to be prosperous. And well, in all levels.

Coach Maddox  2:26  
Yeah. Beautiful, Tim, such a thorough, and just so the listeners know, he didn't know I was going to ask that question. So he just that just rolled off of the top of his head pretty impressive, you got a pretty good grasp of of what, what it means, in my opinion. So thank you for that. So on a deeper topic, what is the most challenging thing that you have either had to go through or are currently going through in your life?

Tim Coates  3:01  
Well, I'm from about six years old, when I first felt totally abandoned. Up through my entire life, the challenge has been to, to love myself, and to speak my truth. And I would say, from my 40s, forward, I'm 73. So I've been on the planet a while it's to meet conflict without resistance. In other words, instead of cowering in the corner, speaking up showing up and not and whatever the situation might be the person is to be proactive, rather than reactive. And stand in my truth, know my power stand in my power. And again, I'm sorry to be relatively repetitious if I am to, you know, to speak my truth and not run away. Because most situations we encounter, we're not going to die.

Coach Maddox  4:18  
You're correct most.

Tim Coates  4:21  
So those are the meeting conflict without resistance without cowering. That's that's, that's up really. Now. That's what I'm really working on. And throughout my lot my adult life it's been, you know, learning to love myself and speaking my truth.

Coach Maddox  4:41  
Mm hmm. Beautiful, Tim. So let's, let's take the listener through your process. You spoke about a sense of abandonment at age six. Tell us a story. Tell us what what what was going on and how how you experience instead and what it felt like, Yeah, I'm kind of wanting you to give us an overview that will allow the listener to feel your story as much as hear it.

Tim Coates  5:11  
Sure, give it a shot. Up through five, I felt very innocent, joyful. Just unburdened just living the life of a average joyful kid who their innocence hasn't been. I don't know how to say, innocence hasn't been gone after and hurt. And when I was six, I remember vividly the moment, my mom left to go to work full time. And my dad worked. Six or seven days, she worked six days. And I was all alone. The older brother was never around, I had no extended family, or siblings. And the neighborhood I grew up in was a ghetto. And it was very scary for me. And I avoided as much as possible. So I retreated into junk food and TV for four years, and never, never really felt safe at school. Because at a young age, I didn't know I was gay, but I knew I was different. And the kids always picked up on that. And I never felt comfortable. First of all, in the classroom, because nobody picked up that I was, I was suffering that I wasn't getting, especially math and that out in the playground, I just felt challenged and fearful because I wasn't particularly competitive or good at sports. And fast forwarding through throughout grade school was about the same challenging and scary. There were some fun moments high school, I opened up a little bit. College undergraduate, what's okay, but I came out when I was 21, when I was at Berkeley. And that was not that was not an easy road in that. My first boyfriend the first time I fell in love, when I finally discovered it was men who I really wanted to be with and not women, women was never satisfactory. And anyway, this first man continued the trend of abandonment. And I was in love with him, but he he just used me because always a young chicken as they used to say, and so going forward, Whoa, boy, a whole lifetime. I would say that is basically wore my mask, even though I was out to be happy to be accepting acceptable, you know, you do everything that you can do, to fold into society, and your, your social environment. However, my, my moment of real truth came in 1986, when I had my spiritual awakening, and a dear friend and mentor, Tim Jurica, was there. And like, they say, we've heard so many times, when the students ready, the professor, the teacher shows up, and that was eminently what what happened. And he, he opened up my mind and my heart and my soul that indeed, I was part of something greater than just myself, my ego. And that I was I was connected with entire universe, as a piece of energy and here on the planet, to learn some lessons and go through some experiences. And unfortunately, shortly after I had that, he died of AIDS, very young, I think he was 32 or 35. I was 38 at the time, and from their forward, what support has supported me in living and thriving as long as I have is because of my spiritual practice and my my spiritual findings and beliefs that we are in part of something greater. And then

I took that and for over 20 years I practice in centers for spiritual living where as a practitioner And that was started by ernest holmes at 1922 and North Hollywood in LA, and was the first spiritual practice. It's it's combination of eastern and western philosophies that fully accepted whoever you were into a spiritual community, a religious, family, a church, whatever you want to call it. I call it a spiritual family. Therefore, it was the first practice spiritual practice religious practice that accepted homosexuals fully. And it's still it's now global, I think it's in 38 countries. And there's many, many ministers that are lesbian and gay. And they're phenomenal. So

Coach Maddox  10:42  
yes, I have studied some of ernest holmes work and am familiar with all of that. So Tim, I'd like to back up a little bit, and retrace a little bit of where we've been. You talked about the mask that you wore, and trying to fit into your environment. And, you know, what, what I'm hearing you say, basically, is that you were you were in a period of time where authenticity wasn't present. You know, anytime we're wearing a mask and showing up the way we think we need to show up for people to like us, we are not living our true authentic self. And I think this is, I'm beginning to realize that this is perhaps a human rite of passage. And I think it may be more pronounced for us as as gay men. Because we have been born and raised in societies that have not been okay with who we are, homosexuality has not been widely accepted, and we're fighting the good battle, and it's getting better, but we're not there yet. And I think that adds to the, the sense of, of making it harder to fit in and, and, and wearing those masks, because it's unsafe, often times to let people know who we really are. And then I heard you, you have been talking about this abandonment that started at age six. And then you found this spiritual teacher. And he died, which once again, is a form of abandonment. Now, certainly not an intentional format of abandoned, but you he was missing from your life, one day he was there. And the next day he wasn't. And that is definitely a form of abandonment. And I do believe, because I certainly have had my own abandonment issues. That once we experienced, especially as children, an abandonment trauma, that can play out throughout our entire lives, it almost becomes a theme. And I can look in my own life and realize, and maybe you can tell me how this relates in your life, that it became a self fulfilling prophecy. Like I got abandoned, you know, early on at age, and then I was so focused on abandonment that I was just drawing more abandonment to myself, you know, the law of attraction teaches us that what we focus on expands. And I can remember a lot of my life where my phrase that I coined was, I'm always on the outside looking in. And as well, it's only been maybe in the last three, maybe four years that I have realized that I wasn't responsible for the initial abandonment, but I certainly was responsible for all of the abandonment in between are a lot of it because I was so focused on abandonment, that I was drawing those experiences to myself, there was just this continuous string of people friendships, family, people leaving me whether it was through death, or they just disappeared, or they broke up with me or all the various ways that people leave our lives. How is what I'm saying landing for you and how does it fit into your experience?

Tim Coates  14:20  
Well, very much Maddox, as you say, it became a self fulfilling trend. And I tracked it this, whether consciously or unconsciously, it was an energy that I that I held, and the first trauma was my first and second cousins who I grew up grew up with my only blood kin because the brother was going older brother was totally out of the picture. And without my knowing it just I put two and two together one day after I came out, less than a year, they just disappeared. Absolutely evaporated. And they were like my brother and sister, and hugely traumatic. And that's an eye with relationships, I have, for the most part, abandon my partners. So it works both ways.

Coach Maddox  15:20  
And it's Tim, I want to acknowledge you for that a that a realization, that awareness, but also for being accountable and owning that, I think it's, you know, I think it's really important to call that out that there's power in us owning our participation in our part of any relationship. There's, there's, it always takes two to tango. And it's really easy for us sometimes to, they abandoned me and to put it off on them. But we always have at least some part in that we don't have full responsibility, just like they don't have full responsibility. But we do have a part in that. And I think it's powerful that you are owning your part in that. Just wanted to call that out and acknowledge you for that.

Tim Coates  16:09  
I think Maddox is all part of being authentic, and really recognizing your wins and your losses, and what part you play in those losses. That being said, moving forward, this, this trend of abandon that I have had over my from my mid 20s, on forward, and it's still playing out, literally good friends. Five years, maybe 13 years, maybe 20. For some reason, they just one day they're gone. Ghosting, and I have never, I've always asked what's what's coming down? How can we fix this? How can we heal it? And how can I learn from it. And I've never been afforded that opportunity. And the most profound thing is my brother. He's 10 years older me, but we had a falling out after my mom died. And again, abandonment. And all he said it was over money. And I said, Well man up and let me know what's really going on. So we can look at it and figure it out. We don't even have to be friends. Let's just be brothers, since we're the only blood can we have well, 16 years now and haven't heard from him. And so anyway, in regards to abandonment, yes, that and I think in regards to, to the mask, in wearing the mask and not being real with yourself. I mean, back then I who the word authentic, or in tech Lang, tech language authentication. I mean, that word wasn't even in the vocabulary. And of course, you know, you're doing the best you can, but you're May I wasn't conscious, I wasn't awake. And thus doing my whole need to speak my truth. And to love myself was never garnered any attention. Till I had my awakening the beginning of my healing path, waking up, seeing and knowing who I am in relationship to other people to myself to the the world and their universe.

Coach Maddox  18:30  
Yes, yes. Beautiful. Well, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, as I have had my own abandonment issues. And I think for many, many years, I focused on the abandonment. And so I drew more of it to myself. It's been just in the last few years that I have stopped focusing on that. And what I've noticed is people still come and go in my life. But I see it differently. Now once I stopped focusing on abandonment. Now, when somebody leaves my life, like this last two years, in the pandemic, there have been several people that have just disappeared. Just don't hear from them anymore. And there was a time when I was focused on abandoned and I would have made that about me, you know, what did I do wrong? You know, why are you doing this to me, I would have stepped into victim energy. And now that I no longer focused on abandonment. I had to step back you know, there were some people that I was I had been connected with on a regular basis and the pandemic came and I'm, I'm reaching out and trying to connect and I'm either getting a half assed connection or no connection whatsoever and People aren't responding. And I reply, and I obsessed a little bit initially. And then I had to let it go. You know, and I and I, and I didn't make it about me. I thought I don't know what's going on in their lives, I don't know what's right for them. I don't know, you know, they're the only ones that know what's right for them. And they, perhaps are making choices from that place that I don't know and can understand. I tried my best not to make it mean anything. Just to accept that it was, you know, what I call the quote unquote, is, you know, the ISness, the is, to me are all of those things that we have no control over. If you got some control or influence over it, maybe it doesn't fall into the category of the IRS. But the is is you hear people say it is what it is, is are those things we have no control over. And I have spent a lot of my life trying to control things that I can't control. And it's an insane waste of energy. And I felt drained most of the time. And I'm less likely to do that. Now I just move into this space of well, there's the IRS, and I can't, I can't change that. All I can do is focus on how I respond to it. That's where my level of control is I can control how I choose to see it, how I choose to believe about it, or what meaning I add to it. And that's where my focus is. Where would you say you are in that continuum, you have experienced many years have had an abandonment. Would you say that you are on the other side of that, or is it still going on? And you're still in that process? Where are you now?

Tim Coates  22:01  
It's a year ago, in the present continuum. I thought a very dear friend, I mean, with another gay man, when I lived in New Mexico, we were neighbors friends, we did everything together and then moved to Denver, and via zoom and so forth, we continue and talk on the phone one day, he's gone. He's just gone. And I go, wow, that's really curious. Okay, I'll least follow up. Hey, what's up? What did I say? What did I do? Let's talk about it. And I got a horribly negative reaction back. You know, Tim, who Jim coats who so anyway, I didn't take it on myself, I didn't take it personally. I said, I've offered to say, Hey, what's going on? What can I learn? Let's talk about it. And he's not there. And so I would say I'm on the continuum very much. Where have you you've been talking about isn't as such, it just is. All you can do is be open to, to making amends and, and talking through it. And if they don't want to do that, that's their decision. I have no idea why. I feel very comfortable with that. And it's very empowering, to not take it on and be cogitating and worried, what did I do? How can I fix it? I mean, I've been an extreme Control Freak all my life, because I've always been trying to create a life environment where it's safe for me, because how I grew up was not safe. The primary energy was anger and fear and violence in the house.

Coach Maddox  23:45  
So I think that you're you're calling out something that's important to kind of speak about for a minute. And that is, there's a high percentage of people in this world have control issues. But there's also a lack of, of awareness. That control is almost always I don't know that I've ever seen a case of control that it was not based in safety, or the lack thereof, usually the lack thereof. Control is all about trying to control everything around you just in order to feel a sense of safety. Because you, most of us that have these control issues grew up in an environment that was not safe. Sometimes it was in the home. Sometimes it was out of the home. You know, for me, the place that was so unsafe was out of the home, my home was safe. My parents and my brother were safe places. I never got treated poorly in any shape, form or fashion in the home, but outside of the home. I'd never felt a sense of safety. Because I was so bullied and so picked on and yes, that that is this source of why we feel the need to control things. And for me, what I realized was that I had looked for safety outside of myself for my whole life, like I was always looking for, are you a safe place? Are you Is this safe, and never finding it, it was ever elusive. And it was a major breakthrough. And this just happened. I don't know, sometime also, in maybe the last two or three years where I realized that nobody else can be responsible for my safety, that's my responsibility. And it can't happen on an external level, it's not outside of your body. Safety, if it's going to be a true sense of safety has to happen on the inside of you. It's an inside job. And what I discovered was, as soon as I created that safe space for myself, and I've said this before, and I'll probably say it many more times. It was about having an internal conversation with the child that lives inside of me, the little boy, the little frightened little boy that lives inside of me and reassuring him that I was going to protect him at all cost and that I had his back and that I wouldn't let anything happen to him, that I would make sure to ever do everything in my power to make sure he was safe. And when I felt that sense of safety that I was providing for myself, the next step was and I didn't see this coming was I began to see safe space out in the world where I had never, ever seen it, I began to see safe people and safe space where I had never really seen it. Realizing that, you know, famous educator Lou Tice has always said every meaningful and lasting change always starts on the inside and works its way outward. And that's not the way most of us approach life. We all try to make our changes in the external world.

Tim Coates  27:01  
Well, exactly. That's true. That's part of my awakening and your awakening. When you feel something is out of alignment, something isn't right with you and yourself. Insert instead of turning to extend extensions, so I need to put more locks in my doors or I need to stop seeing these particular people because they're threatened. You know, you go inside, you say what's really going on? And I love you're talking about little boys. I mean, I've spent hundreds of hours with my scared little boy, which all started going to kindergarten, which again, and there was something even before I was six when I was five, and I don't know who brought me we walked to school, and then they just left me on the steps there. And, okay, go for it. And I didn't know what to expect about kindergarten, but I got into kindergarten, I actually liked it. But it was just another early case of abandonment. But anyway, I guess that's that, sorry.

Coach Maddox  28:09  
Well, you know, it's a it's a tough topic. And I know that there's probably a high percentage of listeners out there that can relate to what we're talking about abandonment issues are our I don't want to say they're universal, but there's a pretty high percentage of people that have experienced some form of abandonment in our lives. And when we experience it in childhood, we carry it almost like a badge of honor. I would say that I I'm not saying that I don't get triggered a little bit once in a blue moon and it brings some old stuff up because I do but I'm more prepared to handle it now. And and I certainly I don't. That's not part of my conversation anymore. There was a time when it was part of my conversation. And you kind of know when you're on the other side of something when it just falls away and it's not really part of your conversation anymore.

Tim Coates  29:04  
Well, it's exactly Maddox. And that's what happened to let my last ghosting with my good friend for 13 years from New Mexico. It's like, well, that's curious, and I'll email him and see what's up but nothing Well, okay. You just stand in your truth. And you know, in your heart, your soul, you haven't done anything intentionally to hurt him or piss him off. And then you move on. It's part of it's part of being authentic. I mean, way back started in my 20s when I was still wearing this mask. And I've always moved and felt comfortable with straight people. heterosexual people in my life has always been a really healthy balanced, not healthy, but a balanced mix of straight and gay people. And my challenge, always before my awakening I started having internal conversation with myself how to heal, what do I need to heal? What am I really doing? Why am I doing it was even in the gay community, mostly in the gay community, it was wearing a mask to, to fit in. And I never really did feel like I fit in. And, like, so many people have commented, you know, our gay brothers, our community oftentimes is, is the meanest, most cruel to us rather than the outside world. And, and you know, and that was my experience. And I was very, very fortunate growing up in an environment, the Bay Area in Northern California, where everybody has always accepted me for just being gay, it's no big thing my parents might want my one eldest brother, who's a strange now, all the jobs where I've worked, I mean, I work for the Department of Navy. And this was like, you know, in the 80s, and out in that environment, and I worked for Park District for 20 years, and I was the first gay man to ever come out. A few lesbians had, but gay men had never. And so I'm very, I'm very proud of that. But again, dealing with the mask with abandonment, it's all about being truthful with yourself. And you can't do that without a lot of internal work, a lot of great mentors, shops, for you, for you come together. It's just

Coach Maddox  31:41  
it, it takes a tribe, doesn't it? Yes, it makes the tribe

Tim Coates  31:46  
it takes finally, you can't hide from yourself anymore. You want to wake up take responsibility. And once you reach a certain level, you say, Okay, now I can be a light show, or I can be the person, a mentor for other people. And this is this is I see it as part of the elderhood. And I love being there.

Coach Maddox  32:11  
You know, I look back on all of the times that I wore the masks all the times that I tried to fit in, and the times I tried to be who I thought others would like it was incredibly unfulfilling. I think that we, it's a rite of passage, once again, we you know, we we come into the world fully authentic. And then we get separated from our authenticity just by the messages that we get and the experiences that we have. And we struggle and feel a real lack of fulfillment and all those years that we can't be authentic, that we're trying to be somebody that we're not. And I think it is our our unfulfillment that oftentimes drives us to seek what we're all we're all seeking something, you know, and I've come just recently to realize that what we're seeking is to reconnect with our authentic self, you know, it's always in there, it's just been completely obscured, we came into the world, fully authentic, babies are fully authentic, and then we get severed, and then we spent a lifetime trying to figure out what's missing and working our way back to it. And I know that for me, the more I lean into my authenticity and my vulnerability, the more fulfilling my life becomes, they're very connected. And I also realize that my ability to manifest is very connected to my willingness to be authentic, and vulnerable.

Tim Coates  33:50  
Yeah, I think, I think that's absolutely huge. And you really, as far as I'm concerned, you can't really be authentic unless you're, you're vulnerable, unless you can feel comfortable, really revealing who you are, how you are, speak up, say it. The emotionally available number went to yourself and then to the others. Whether I love

Coach Maddox  34:15  
that, say that again. Please listen. So I want to make sure our listeners what you just said about for yourself. First, please say that again, powerful, powerful,

Tim Coates  34:25  
as far as I'm concerned. To be truly authentic is to be vulnerable with yourself and Walt with all others, to to open your heart and your soul to truly who you are, who you feel you are and reconnect on a higher level with the universe. And being by doing this and opens up. It makes available your attempts and you're meaningful, being authentic, but it really means being tender with for yourself and others around you?

Coach Maddox  35:02  
Yes, yes, yes, yes, beautiful Tim, we have to do for ourselves first, we have to love ourselves first. So we can fully love others. We have to provide beautiful self care for ourselves so we can take care of others. All of it starts with us. And we live in a society where most people just don't quite get it. They just haven't connected the dots yet. But everything starts with us. And I mean, I've said many, many times, self love is the key to the kingdom. Beautiful. When you can master self love it, everything else falls underneath that. And life begins to fall in place, the more you lean into self love. And that's a place where most people don't even want to go, you know, let's face it, self love is not sexy. Or that's certainly the way we view it. It doesn't sound sexy. We want to focus on the love with the partner, we want the fabulous partner. But what we're not realizing is that you can't get to the other side of Mount Everest without climbing it. You know, and what that looks like to have that ultimately fulfilling relationship with another. You have to have it with yourself first.

Tim Coates  36:28  
Oh, I completely concur in that. So eloquent. I love it. Yeah, yeah, you have to be willing to do the work. And once you're there, and you are doing the work, the next big thing is to find your tribe. We are meant we are social beings, we are meant to be with significant others, with families with tribes with clans, what I'm still looking for. And this is so important a part of it is I just want to be with my other gay brothers that are also seeking authenticity, working on it being open to it. And oh my gosh, instead of instead of struggling to make life happen, you just you set your tone, your energy level, your intentions, your visions, set with it be with a be clear, put it out there. And then like you say that, I mean, law of attraction thing is just every life just becomes easier. And so threatening. It's not so scary anymore,

Coach Maddox  37:38  
is when we can step into that authentic and vulnerable place. It draws our tribe to us like a moth to flame.

Tim Coates  37:46  
Yep, yes. So it's so far, you and I, that's how we met. And oh my gosh, our relationship is so uplifting and inspiring. And, you know, we just have so much that we share with each other that's so tender and gratifying and joyful. What can I say? I'm so grateful for you.

Coach Maddox  38:14  
Yes, thank you, Tim. As am I very grateful. know, I, everybody's heard my story about, you know, having a time where I had no gay friends, lots of gay acquaintances, but no gay friends. And that's changed. I now have men in my life that I can share an emotion or emotional intimacy with and be authentic and be vulnerable. And it's been perhaps not perhaps it's definitely aside from giving myself self love. That's the biggest gift I've ever given myself. But the second biggest gift I've ever given myself is the gift of my tribe, the gift that that I attracted wonderful gay men into my life. And the way I did that was through being authentic and vulnerable. So, back to our topic of abandonment, having this journey that you've been on all that you've shared in your story. What words of wisdom would you share with our listeners about that particular topic? What if there's somebody out there listening that has a history of abandonment or is in the throes of, of trying to deal with abandonment? What are your words of wisdom to those listeners that are in that process and maybe not as far along as you

Tim Coates  39:42  
are? I would say if you're feeling that and experiencing that. Seek out seek out therapy, mentors, spiritual mentors. You Those that are going to help you find the light, you're going to step out of the darkness. I mean, we there is so much information and communities out there now on social media, people badmouth social media, but there are positive aspects. I mean, that's where we met.

Coach Maddox  40:19  
Yes, there are positive aspects. I agree completely. It's a double edged sword. But yes, it has its negative points. But it also has its great point,

Tim Coates  40:27  
stop feeling as though you're alone and you're abandon and there's no hope. I mean, there is hope. I mean, so many people go to Al Anon or AAA, that's where they start. You know, I've been to Al Anon, it's great. But the main thing is, is to just be proactive, stop, step out of the victim, and find the resources that can that can help you. And that would be gay men's tribes on on Facebook or other platforms in town. Sometimes it's church for some people, and groups within church. I mean, find a church that's welcoming to gay people. First Congregational is one, I mean, you're in Denver, it's very accepting very enlightened place, great place to be gay and be open. Almost every church is accepting of openly gay people. And yeah, I mean, there's, there's gay churches, such as Metropolitan Community Church, that most big cities like Dallas, for example, Denver, you have. So I would just say, Stop, step out of the victimhood and start trying to find, which is very easy, either in your community, in person, or online.

Coach Maddox  41:55  
You know, it's true Tam, we have more resources at our fingertips right now than we've ever had. And there is a very large percentage of them that are free resources. So we really, we really, honestly don't have any excuses. Any any any valid excuses for not stepping forward and healing ourselves and healing our lives. Because support and resources are available all around us. I love what you shared. I love your words of wisdom to the listener. Let's, let's wrap up this. This was brilliant. This was beautiful. Let's wrap it up and let's move into our rapid fire questions. Oh, hey, okay. Are you ready for this? So rapid fire answers. No, not you know, Cliff nuts, answers, okay. What is the one thing that you clearly need to take action on in an effort to be a more authentic gay man?

Tim Coates  42:58  
Speak up my truth, what I'm feeling even if I feel threatened. Listen, listen to my gut, as well as all those most enlightened resources you can for making decisions. being compassionate with yourself, and everybody else around you, and cutting people some slack. And do whatever you can. Whatever your knowledge you have, or skill set to just be comfortable and accepting of yourself who you are in the present moment.

Coach Maddox  43:35  
Beautiful, beautiful, Tim, thank you. What is the one thing that you most wish that you could change about the gay male community? Oh.

Tim Coates  43:49  
It would be. It would be judgment around if you're not if you don't fit the stereotypical what is is beautiful on the outside, because what I would say to change is be able to perceive and be accepted the beauty within and without whatever community you're in, whether it's it's the bear or cowboy or leather. I mean, there's this still this overwhelming thing about adoring and what's the beautiful classic physical thing?

Coach Maddox  44:35  
Yes. Yes. So if I'm understanding correctly, you're, you're really saying to take put a little bit less emphasis on the external. Okay, and focus a little more on the internal is that what I'm hearing? That's great summation. Beautiful and final question. Many years from now, you find yourself a ghost at your own funeral. What would you like for other gay men attending your funeral? Your friends? What would you like for them to say about you at that funeral?

Tim Coates  45:10  
Well, first of all, I would like both gay and straight friends to be in concert with this and that would be Tim was open to change and learning and always. And being a free spirit towards going towards his visions and his goals. He was compassionate. He had an open heart. He was generous. He was a fun person to be around. And always around him. People felt uplifted. And they felt he was optimistic. To be to be with any always wanted to be. Final always he wanted it to be a healing force and on the planet and in the well on the world on the planet.

Coach Maddox  46:09  
Beautiful to him. Very beautiful. Thank you so much. It has been I've really enjoyed our topic, our discussion or conversation. It's been wonderful. I have thoroughly enjoyed having you as a guest on the podcast and hope there'll be opportunities for you to participate again in the future.

Tim Coates  46:27  
I'm available. Thank you madness. Now. Thanks. You did a brilliant job. Thanks so much. I appreciate being here.

Coach Maddox  46:33  
Thank you, Tim. I really appreciate that.