Dec. 13, 2022

Alex Amorosi endures multiple relationships to learn to give to himself first

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My guest, Alex Amorosi, shares his experience of multiple relationships in row that all ended very much the same.  In each relationship, he gave so much of himself away that there was nothing left for him.  Then, he reached the point when his inner voice spoke so loud and clear that he couldn't deny it any longer.  He realized that the voice had always been there, but he had chosen not to listen to it.  If you tend to give too much of yourself away in relationships, this episode is for you.

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Coach Maddox  0:02  
Hello, Alex Amorosi and welcome to The Authentic Gay Man Podcast.

Alex Amorosi  0:08  
Thanks, Maddox. It's such a joy to be here. Thanks for having me.

Coach Maddox  0:11  
It's great to have you. And it's great to meet you. So just so the listeners know, this is our first time to speak, I put a All Points Bulletin out seeking guests, and Alex responded, and here we are. So I don't know anything more about him than you do. We're about to find out.

Alex Amorosi  0:29  
Awesome. This is gonna be fun.

Coach Maddox  0:31  
So first question, Alex. How do you define or what does it mean to you to be an authentic gay man?

Alex Amorosi  0:40  
Oh, boy, you know, I listened to a couple of episodes. And I thought I had a good answer in mind, but I want it to be sponsored. I'm kind of going with what's coming to me in the moment, I think to be an authentic gay man means to be authentically myself as a gay man, first of all, and

Coach Maddox  0:58  
Can I can I get you to unpack that a little bit? What you mean? Yeah, you kind of like made a distinction there. And I want to make sure that me and the listeners grasping what you're meaning by that?

Alex Amorosi  1:10  
Well, I think that our inner world, there's an inner part of ourselves that just feels like me. You know, it's kind of been there ever behind the scenes that from our first memory, there's that me, there's just that me. And then as you know, I think as we begin to discover our sexuality, for me, that was about 10, or 11 years old, where I began to really know for certain that I was gay. There's that bigger part of me that I understand through my sexual orientation, too. So I think that I'm, you know, first being true to myself, and what's going on in my body. And trusting the congruence between my body in my head, which I'm still working on is definitely not a, it's definitely still a work in progress. So I'm way farther down the line that I that I have been before. And I think also, when I'm not deluding myself, that's been a big lesson for me in the last decade is not telling myself the truth, and being truthful to myself. So that therefore, I believe what we're doing for ourselves naturally radiates out into the world. So that's my answer, as far as I can define it.

Coach Maddox  2:19  
That's a great answer. I love that answer. Absolutely. Thank you for that. All right down to what we're really here to talk about, what is the biggest challenge that you've gone through in this lifetime, or maybe you're continuing to go through

Alex Amorosi  2:37  
I would say 10. So 10 years ago, about in 2011, I began the process of ending a seven year long relationship. And it was in a lot of ways for many years, a wonderful relationship, very safe relationship, very comfortable relationship. And I was reaching a point that I felt like I was ready to expand, and I wasn't proceeding through discussions with my partner that he wanted to expand the same way. And when that relationship ended, it was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do, because I was very closely tied to his family. I was very close, you know, we were very, very comfortable in that arrangement together. But there was some little voice in me that I have learned more and more to trust over the years that was saying, it's time for you to this is this time for this to be done. And there was a certain point I reached in July of that year, where it just I felt in my body, I said, I could just feel like, Oh, this is over. This is over. And I'm going to have to end this and it's going to be really hard. And it was you know, I I was much younger, I don't think I used as much tap to grace as I possibly could have. And I think I surprised my ex partner too. And then I was faced with at 31 years old, being single and I had been in relationships, monogamous relationships, you know, since I was about 20. And that was a really scary time was like, you know, I felt like I had failed, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. And so, about. Just under five months later, I got together with another man, which on paper seems like an amazing relationship. It seemed like we were starting out from a really good place. It seemed very, it was very different from my first my long term relationship. He was very different than any man I had ever dated. He had very different interests, much more eclectic interests, much more traveled a great deal was just a little bit more sort of out in the world than I had a previous partner side had. And it seems like for about six months, everything was going really really well. And then we had a really intense, difficult and for me really traumatic breakup. And it was exactly the same as July of 2012 was exactly a year after I broken up with my partner, my long term partner. And I felt when I came out of that, like I was an abject failure. And I couldn't believe that within the span of a year, I had ended two relationships. And the last one I ended up the one that I had just ended in 2012 was so had turned the volume up so loudly on a lot of patterns that were happening with me that I knew I had to put, I had to press the pause button on relationships, I had to own up to the fact that in for serious relationships up till that point at 32, I was a common denominator and there things that I was definitely patterns that I was perpetuating within them. And I decided, you know, I had been, I'm a yoga teacher, and I've done spiritual work for many, many years, I started I'm practicing Buddhist as well, I had to go into one of those dark tunnels in my heart and really start to figure out what was going on with me on a deeper level. And Buddhism is uniquely suited to that for me. The Buddha had many, many, many, many, many, many practices of how to deal with your own darkness and how to deal with your own shadow side. And that began a journey of therapy, and shamanic work, Reiki, and discovery of who I was on a level that I didn't know I needed to discover, and a re a reclaiming of my own value and worth which I had, in previous relationships, sold my worth, to not be alone, sold my dignity, not to be alone. And I began a very slow process, in shamanic work of reclaiming that of soul retrieval of pulling that back to myself. And that was a process I thought would go on for a couple years. But I am just feeling like I'm beginning to feel the settling from 10 years later, I only thought that would be about a year that I would do that. And then I'd be right back in a relationship. But I, you know, there were certain things that happened right afterwards, where I knew I made a vow to myself, I said, I will figure this out. And I'm pretty tenacious when I do that. So that's that's been the challenge. That was the challenging point. And sort of the work of that. Yeah,

Coach Maddox  7:36  
you know, you said a couple of things that have really caught my ear. One is just wanting to call out all the work you've done. Thank you, you know, you list all these things off that you've done. And that is, to put it in real blunt language, that's you taking responsibility for your life and your experiences. And I think it's really important to call that out. Because, you know, in you sharing the story of doing the heavy lifting, you are giving anybody that's listening right now permission to do the same thing. You know, we need to hear more stories, we LGBTQ men, we all need to hear more stories about men who are taking responsibility for their experiences and their life. And the second thing that really stands out and to me, you know, you thought it would take a year in here Tinley lately, years later, you're still kind of like, in that space. I think that when we when we get really clear on the work that we need to do, because I went through something similar. I've been single for 14 years, I had a similar situation where I was like, okay, just keep doing the same friggin thing over and over. Yeah, and I'm the common denominator. And I pulled myself off the market. And I said, I'm done no more relationships until I figure this out, till I get to the bottom of this and find out, you know, what's driving this, this pattern, and this really unhealthy behavior? And never did I believe that that's been 14 years ago, 14 years later, here I am. And I have just recently engaged in a new relationship. After I didn't even date hardly at all. During that 14 years, I really was doing the single discover me thing and I think that there's something that comes about just energetically in the universe when we make that declaration. It kind of is maybe out of our hands a little bit. Amen. Amen. You know, there's this there's this presence that that comes in and, and moves us through the experiences that we need and it's that it's like a common cold you know, you can't rush a common cold it takes as long as it takes to get through The other side of it. And I kind of think that's the way this works. And I love the way you, you know, have had really, like illuminated that I thought it was going to take a year. And here I am 10 years later. Now, are you single now?

Alex Amorosi  10:16  
I am, I am, I've had I've had a couple of like, you know, few months, things here and there and some lovely ones to some lovely ones. You know, I had a relationship 2013 2014 I met a man who was studying here in Boston, he was from Israel, he lived in Tel Aviv, and we met on one of the apps and went out and he was only here for six months. But when I went out with him the first time, and he got in my car for the first day, my whole body relaxed. My whole body let go. It wasn't a draw to him, it was like I feel super comfortable with you. And he was sweet. And he was kind and he was beautiful. And I was realizing I'm like it just like you said like the universe sort of your it's out of your control what I was getting there was, here's a template of what it's supposed to feel like, it's not supposed to feel anxious all the time, you're not supposed to have to work so hard to make somebody love you. You're not supposed to be humiliated and then told you're not being humiliated. It's that it's not work like that. You're actually supposed to feel like this is a soft, I've heard this, you know, soft space to land. I've heard that phrase before. That's what I felt like with him. And you know, we, we dated for about five months. And then he he went back home. And we just decided we're not going to do a long term in a long distance. But that was one of the greatest gifts coming out a year out of a very sort of much more twisted situation energetically. That was like the universe giving me a template. You know, saying this is it. This is how you're supposed to feel. And so I've always been really grateful for that. And for him to even though it was short lived, it remains one of the most beautiful experiences that I've had. And I'm always

Coach Maddox  12:00  
a template, I often refer to it as coming previews of coming attractions.

Alex Amorosi  12:09  
Yes, yes, exactly.

Coach Maddox  12:11  
I'll have a really expensive I go and then it'll move on. And I'll go wow, this was truly a pre preview of a coming attraction. Because this eliminates like, what I think it really should fit, look and taste and smell and feel like and you you're like telling my story right now because the new guy that I'm I'm with now, I have said to him being with you feels like my most comfortable. favorite pair of half shoes. Yeah. Right. So I would love to step back to that 2011 those couple of relationships and unpack what some of the behaviors were some of the patterns were some of the things that you had to discover about yourself, and unpack those on maybe an individual basis, because I think there's real value for all the listeners in getting down in the weeds with it if you're comfortable doing that. Yeah,

Alex Amorosi  13:09  
absolutely. And this is one of my intentions today was you know, this is the first time I've ever really talked publicly about it outside of therapy and my friends and I'm excited to sort of claim my narrative around that idea and sort of bring my intention really was to others could learn from what happens with me and, you know, hopefully share with with the help that will help others. So basically, my my long term partner and I were very good friends, I think. But we weren't necessarily suited to be in a relationship together. I think he really wanted it to be a relationship, I really would have liked it to be two, but I could kind of feel that it just wasn't going in that direction. But there was also a lot in that relationship of having to work really hard to keep him happy. And a lot of instability, sometimes in his own approach where he would become really fixated or fly off the handle about small things. And my feeling was always like, oh, I'll just make him happy. No problem, no problem. I can make you happy. If that was my mantra, right? There's nothing you can bring to me that I can't fix. Which when you put something out like that to the universe, the universe will give you something you can fix to teach you humility that that man does that come down the pike quickly from that. And it occurred to me I had a couple of things like this. I've had that with jobs. I've had it with relationships where I get like a flash and I can see down the road 10 years, I thought we're gonna be doing the exact same thing this this isn't gonna change and there had been a series of events that had happened which I don't necessarily take up time going into, that had showed me there was a there are patterns of behavior that weren't going to change, no matter how extreme it got. And I made the decision for myself to leave that relationship. And I was really on the fence. He really wanted to work on it. I thought I wanted to work on it. But I kind of knew I was done. And I could feel I've learned through doing a lot of yoga and a lot of work with it. somatically I could feel it, I could feel it in my heart. I could feel it in my solar plexus, this this is over, it's the right time to move on. And I got really wise advice from my dad. I had gone over to my parents, about 10 minutes away from him and went over to have dinner with them. You know, because they're Italian. And they're worried they worried forever, but everything but a grown ass man. And I was like, you know, data could go back, I could work on it. And he just shoot us food. And he just sat back and goes, Do you want to go through this again in six months. And that just landed it for me. I was like, You're right. He knew he was giving it was over. I didn't want to prolong it for him. I didn't want to prolong it for me. And I didn't want to rehash something and make it doubly painful for both of us six months. A year later,

Coach Maddox  16:03  
that dad was pretty wise Watney. And I love that he put it in the form of a question he didn't tell you. He asked you that's pretty wise.

Alex Amorosi  16:13  
By far father is a was an English middle school English teacher for 30 years. And he has a lot of storehouse of just very concise phrases that he'll say that really went with the right moment. And that that that clarified it for me. And I you know, my partner was very upset. And I don't blame him at all, I know, angered him, but it was the first time of my life to that I made a decision for myself and risk disappointing somebody else. That was a major shift for me.

Coach Maddox  16:46  
I suspect intuition is telling me the reason he wanted to make it work was because he had a man that was willing to jump through fucking hoops to make him happy.

Alex Amorosi  16:54  
Yep. Yep.

Coach Maddox  16:58  
Why would he not want to make that work? You know?

Alex Amorosi  17:00  
Yep. And was always available, and was always there would come running over when there was the problem. And that was it. And it was, you know, it was the first time I realized that I had heard a lot of people say this, you know, you're going to disappoint people. If you want to live your authentic life, you're going to disappoint people, people aren't going to like you, they're going to be upset with you. And I tried to do this with as much grace as I could. And I think you're right. I think there was a large amount of that. And I realized when I left, how much lighter I felt, my body felt lighter. My spirit felt lighter. I felt relieved.

Coach Maddox  17:38  
Alex, looking back, do you think that the ex may have been some form of a narcissist?

Alex Amorosi  17:47  
Yes, I think narcissistic tendencies. I think covert

Coach Maddox  17:52  
narcissists are on a continuum, and there isn't actually a healthy amount of narcissism. But that blow up thing that you described, where he'd fly off the handle, and, you know, express to you that you, you know, weren't making him happy. Like that was your job or something that sounds like classic narcissism to me.

Alex Amorosi  18:14  
And it was what I've learned to be covert narcissism, it was always selling. The world's against me, perpetual victim, he would say, you know, everything's against me. Everybody's always against me, the world's always against me. It's never going to change. My circumstances never going to change. And I just thought, If I can just be better if I could just be better if I could just be better. And finally, I just the angel came down, said no, you can't be better. You need to move on. And I think there were definitely it was a spectrum of it, for sure. For sure. I'm very, I'm fairly sure that also happened in a different way with the boyfriend that I found next, because I just found I just had the volume turned up in the next partner that I had. But I agree. I agree Maddox. Yeah.

Coach Maddox  18:59  
What do you think the your biggest takeaway was from that first relationship? What was the what was the legacy of that relationship? I think that you walked away with that you really needed to walk away with.

Alex Amorosi  19:16  
I am strong enough to be on my own. Not that I have to be alone. But I'm strong enough to be on my own, and especially 31 years old, where all of my friends were getting into serious relationships. All my friends were having all my friends. I was like I so I also learned that brings me to not only strive to make it on my own, but I've had the privilege and ability in my life to go against expectations, societal expectations. Where am I supposed to be? I could have married him. I could have married him. But I made a decision for my own happiness to sort of buck the trend of that At age, and say, I'm really willing to risk here for my own happiness. So that those two things I think would be sort of the legacy that comes from that.

Coach Maddox  20:10  
Well, it took pretty extreme courage to do that. Thank you. You know, and that's something if we're going to live a rewarding life, we got to step into our courage. What a beautiful demonstration of that.

Alex Amorosi  20:27  
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, um, you know, it's one thing I often say, even when I'm working with clients, you know, what we don't talk in spirituality a lot about is what the true meaning of sacrifices and the sacrifice is a disillusion. You have to let you have to be willing to risk letting go of something old to be able to move into something new, even when you don't know what that new thing is. I mean, I look in retrospect, I know what it was. But if I go back for the eyes of 2000, summer 2011, I had no idea what was coming. I just knew I had to take that step. That's all I knew.

Coach Maddox  21:02  
I had a teacher one time that worded this way and I've never forgotten it. She said, in order to walk up to the banquet table, you must drop the handful of Weebly peanuts.

Alex Amorosi  21:19  
And I love that

Coach Maddox  21:20  
it left an incredible impression on me this is probably 30 years ago or longer ago, this teacher said this and I, periodically I have an opportunity to say it and it still kind of shakes me to my core when I say it, because there is a shitload of us that have spent a lot of time standing looking at the banquet table, clutching that handful of Weebly peanuts.

Alex Amorosi  21:45  
Oh, yes. Yes, it

Coach Maddox  21:47  
Been there. Done that.

Alex Amorosi  21:51  
You know, it's I love that I love that Maddox. And it brought me to one of my big lessons overall, which has been don't accept bread crumbs, when you can have a full meal. Don't accept a piece of bread and say, Oh, my God, thank you so much for this piece of bread. When you're sitting in front of people. I mean, that's what my part my boyfriend from Israel, or in 2013 2014, he showed me what a full meal would look like, that was the template. Like, oh my god, this is safe, I feel protected. I feel like I'm thought of and valued and desired. And all of these things that I had never experienced before. I was like, this is the banquet. But I like the was it Waverly peanuts,

Coach Maddox  22:33  
we've only peanuts. Yeah, we've only been I love that. I gotta remember that. Gotta drop the handful of Weebly peanuts to walk up to the banquet table. Well, and you know, I think that you're, you're once again, kind of telling my story. I mean, I've had multiple relationships. I'm 66 years old, and had multiple relationships. And I have, even though this is a new relationship, and it hasn't been going on for a very long, it started from the first moment, from the first moment, I felt appreciated and valued and honored, respected. He treats me with he treats me exactly the way I want to be treated kindness and gentleness. And, like I tell him all the time, and this is a first, you know, I had a marriage to a woman way back there. And then three serious relationships that were the equivalent of a marriage. This was all before marriage was available to us. But it was the equivalent of marriage. And I'm, you know, I got five under my belt, and I'm running neck and neck with Liz Taylor. But none of them wherever. It's as a completely different experience. Like, this is the oh my gosh, this is what it should be. This is this is what it was meant to be.

Alex Amorosi  23:53  
And it's palpable, right. It's palpable. You can feel it. It's just and you know, it doesn't feel for me, it was like with with, like my French Israeli ex. It was never that I had to. It wasn't butterflies. It wasn't excitement. It wasn't. Oh my god, it wasn't any of those just like, Oh, God, I just like being with you. It's just

Coach Maddox  24:13  
nice. Well, when it just permeates every cell of my body. Yeah, like there's shifts. It's effortless is the way I said I didn't tell him. I said, you know, it's just amazing to be being with you is just effortless.

Alex Amorosi  24:25  
Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, I think that when I when I left that, you know, in that in that interim period between July and December of 2011. I was really, you know, in that place where I thought like, Okay, I'll just find someone else. I'll find someone else it'll be fine. Or like, you know, or it won't but you know, I was just enjoying like, having Chinese food like it's easy to like And Chinese food, I wasn't just enjoying, like, seeing my friends whenever I wanted to, because he was always, you know, wherever I went somewhere it wasn't you shouldn't go there because you're not taking me you don't want to be with me or, um, and it was just I was enjoying that. And then I met someone else. And that was a very strange beginning. And I look back on it now. And I think God, it was really the signs were all there. I mean, but and I've really learned over the years to listen to my body and trust with my body. And I remember sitting having lunch on our first date, and I thought this is a bad idea. I don't know why it's not a good idea. This is not there's something not right about this. But he was handsome. And, you know, we seem to have good chemistry and on paper, we have very similar interests, like it just seemed like, of course, this this would work. And it started out really strong. Um, it started out, you know, going through a few months, like, it was great. He was introducing me to his family, we were, I was getting along with his family really well introduced me to his friends, his friends, I loved me and I was but I was always something in me going, there's something wrong, there's something wrong, and I can't, but I'm probably making too much of it, you know, my back then my whole mantra was minimize, rationalize, justify. I did that for everything, minimize everything, rationalize it, and justify, oh, it's not you're making too much of this. Don't say to myself, you're making too much of this, Alex, you're being too sensitive, you worry too much. You take things too, personally, you're too, you know, all these sorts of things. But, you know, in the very beginning of that relationship, he had told me how he had fairly overtly tried to break up a marriage. And I don't have any judgment about you know, sometimes people get attracted to them and they're in a relationship and they form an attraction, it happens all the time. But what was odd about it was, there was no like, feeling of I remorse or I have caused some kind of inflicted because I knew the people involved and like inflicted some pain on this relationship, like real, you know, through the actions. It was just kind of, he said it out loud. He said, I do what feels right to me. And he told me this multiple times. And now I listened to Maya Angelou is great quote, when someone tells you or shows you who they are believed he was really telling me right there. I mean, this was this. This was our second date. He was telling me this, but I said no, no, no, he won't do that to me. No, no, no, he wants to um, to me,

Coach Maddox  27:34  
this is my there's me. There's the delusional you were talking about. There's the delusion.

Alex Amorosi  27:38  
I will be the special one. I will be awesome. I will be no he would that was that person. Not me. That's my that was the ego coming right to the surface. Right. Right to the surface me. I'm

Coach Maddox  27:53  
also showing you some narcissism. Yeah, I do what's right for me, I don't care how to fix other people. I mean, I do what's right for me, but not at the expense of others. Right. And there's a difference.

Alex Amorosi  28:09  
There's a difference. Exactly. You know, and I think that that's a really fine line. We all are. So it was like one thing I think a lot of GBT Q men have we have to learn is how to ascertain. prioritize our needs, what there they are, but not being overtly hurtful. And there was when I remember thinking, this is weird. I remember that we thought was in the back of my head. We kept going. And it was always kind of uneasy, and you know, it would during the most of the relationship that would go between each saying she would say to me, You're so awesome. You're so amazing. I love you so much. You're so the greatest. And then I would he would disappear for four days. And I wouldn't hear from him or he had get a text or a phone call for like four days. And then he just showed back up and be like, can I come over tonight? I'm like, yeah, yes, it was. It was odd, like back and forth like that. Eventually what happened was we got we went. We we hadn't seen each other for about two weeks because we were both traveling and he was done in Provincetown. One of the great blessings of living in Boston is your profits on the big gap, you know, LGBTQ resorts on Cape Cod right across the bay, you know, an hour and a half by ferry across the bay. And he went down and I was up working in Maine, I came home and I had a really bad feeling. I just he I didn't really hear from him very much. What I did hear from him, he was like, Oh, I'm really excited for you to comment to be really great, like whatever, but it just didn't hear very much. And I just had my stomach was churning when I was on the ferry on the way over. And when I got there, he seemed happy to see me for about an hour and then with about 12 of his friends around began to ignore me for the entire afternoon. And it was very bizarre. And I tried asking him what was going on that night because it just felt weird and it just felt cold and I could I could kind of get the sense he did not want me to be there. And I asked him and he said said, I don't think I'm in love with you. While I was there, he said, I think I love you. But I got like the kind of like, I love you, but I'm not in love with the thing and I'm like, Oh, okay. That's news to me. But, okay. And I began to have that feeling because this was July 4, and P town, and I had taken the ferry, I didn't have my car, and it was evening, so I couldn't leave. And I was like, beginning to feel really trapped in my body. I remember feeling that feeling of mortification started to come over me like, Oh, my God, like that soft, warm feeling in my solar plexus and like, Oh, my God, I'm trapped here. And then he so much is began to, you know, I said, I'm gonna go for a walk, he came caught up with me. And basically, it was push pull for a little while. But what he was saying was, I'm not he said, I'm not attracted to you. I wish I were, but I'm not. I think he was kind of into someone there. I don't know. But I think he was. He said, there were a lot of things that he said, that just kind of floored me, you know, like it. And I was beginning to realize, like, I'm like, I can't stay in this house. I all his friends know this. I can't stay here. And at that point, this is what really scared me. It wasn't so much anything he said or did. What scared me was my own thinking at this point, which was, it's 85 degrees outside right now. This was about 10 o'clock at night, on July 4 on a cape right on Cape Cod. I said, I will sleep on a bench tonight in Providence town square. And give him his space because he's really independent. And he I'm just probably crowding him. And I'm just probably here and being too much. And that was my story. I'm too much and I will sleep outside tonight, it'll only be about 65 degrees. It won't be that cold. We'll have a time. Sure. It'll be different in the morning, I'll get on a ferry and I'll go home. That thinking more than anything else scared the hell out of me. Because once the fog cleared about a month later, and I felt like I was come after the whole breakup, which went on for about three weeks after this whole push, pull back and forth thing went on. And all sorts of insulting things. You know, I would never cheat. I would never have picked you up at a club. I would never have you know, come up to you. I never would have chased you if you didn't chase me, like just very like personally insulting things that were landing with me. And me justifying it. That's just how he is. That's just how he is about a month later, it felt like I came out of a trance. And I looked back and I said, Holy shit. I was in such a place of terror of being abandoned. And being alone, that I was willing to sleep outside, while my boyfriend went out dancing with other men. And thought that would fix it. And was real jumping

Coach Maddox  32:52  
through hoops, weren't you?

Alex Amorosi  32:54  
Oh, jumping through all the hoops. And unfortunately, what happens if you're a gay man in Boston, and you're in Provincetown on the Fourth of July, odds are friend will be there. And thank God, one of my friends had actually showed up and had a place and texted me and I text I'm like, Girl, I'm coming over and I came went over to his place to stay with him. And that wound up being okay. But it was it was the thinking that scared me because I realized about a month later when I was coming out of the trance and seeing it all very clearly it was all hitting home in slow motion, I would have been able to justify any behavior. At that point. From anyone I would have been able to justify rationalize, I would have said classic things you don't understand him you don't under you don't know, this is just how he is. This is how he talks. He doesn't mean that

Coach Maddox  33:42  
sort of you're saying he could have abused you. And you would have rationalized it and explained it a way

Alex Amorosi  33:48  
that with him, he would he was never physically abusive Emotionally, I was never physically abusive. But I know if afterwards I gotten right into another relationship. If that person had been physically abusive, I could have easily justified it. And I thought I would never be the person I was so superior in my own mind. And so on high, I would never be that person who would allow themselves to be treated in such a way there was the person being treated in such a way. And that was what made me say I was down about a month later, I was on horseneck Beach, which was on the south coast here in Massachusetts, and it's down near Rhode Island, as a little gay section will be shut down with my gay friends. And we're all there having you know, in our little gay bathing suits, having a little gay time, it was really fun. And we they went into the water I was looking up at the sky and I just saw it all happening in slow motion. And I said to myself, right if I said never again, I will never, ever put myself in that situation. ever again. I will never debase myself in that way. I will never sell myself respect my dignity, my pride in that way again. And that's when I made my prayer that changed everything you were saying like the universe kind of takes you, you know, you have to let go to the universe. I just looked up. And you know, I used as a placeholder name. I said, God, I see what I'm doing. And I don't know how to stop. I see the patterns, I see the I definitely see the pattern turned up here, the volume turned up, so I'm really getting the message. But I don't know how to stop doing this. Please send me whatever I need to help me stop causing myself and other people so much suffering.

Coach Maddox  35:30  
You're you're describing a state of surrender.

Alex Amorosi  35:33  
Surrender, that's I had to That's exactly it. Exactly. I had to say, I don't I had to open my arms up, look up and say, I don't know what to do. I can't handle this on my own. I don't know what to do. It's

Coach Maddox  35:47  
like the a thing. I'm powerless to change my situation, you know, saying that you you need help. There's something that I'd like to unpack this particular relationship when you first met him, you said something inside of you said something's not right here. When he was in PvE, yep. There was something inside of you that knew something was wrong. You had butterflies in your stomach on on the ferry? What? Let's unpack that for a minute what was going on when you're getting these clear messages? And you're rationalizing your you're justifying the things that you listed off? Let's unpack that a little bit. What do you think was driving that? Well, what was the big lesson there that you you learned? Because my first thought is okay, your you got your, your Higher Self, your wiser self is telling you something's not right here. And is it that you just didn't want to hear it? So we put blinders on? Was it that you didn't trust yourself? That part of yourself to to, you know, was there a trust factor involved? I'm just throwing some possibilities out there.

Alex Amorosi  37:11  
Those are both both good. Yeah, I didn't trust myself. First and foremost, I would almost, you know, I am a very, I'm kind of a Garius. You can hear my voice. But I'm also very shy. And I'm also very sensitive in a lot of ways. And since I was very little, I've heard that you're too sensitive. You're too set. You make things up. You're too sensitive. You're not You're, you're take things too hard. There's nothing. You're just making this up. It's in your imagination. But it wasn't in my imagination. It was in my body. That's the difference. Alex,

Coach Maddox  37:42  
have you ever heard of a term called? highly sensitive person? Oh, yeah.

Alex Amorosi  37:49  
Elaine Aaron's book, I have it on my bookshelf over there. I,

Coach Maddox  37:52  
there was a quiz in there that kind of helped you determine if you were an HSP? Did you fall in in the continuum?

Alex Amorosi  38:01  
Or not double check marks next to every Yes, since I've double check marks in that book? Yeah. Many just P. I'm definitely introverted. I am energetically sensitive. It's part of what I do for work. Because I do work within the energetic realms of consciousness energetically sensitive. I can, I can feel it. And this is really important, Max, I'm glad you're putting a finer, like a point on this. I didn't trust myself. And there was a feeling also of one of the classic reasons we don't listen to our intuition. I didn't want to hear what it had to say. I did not want to hear Red Alert. This is really bad. And the other thing I learned from it that I want to kind of tie it to something a big lesson, when we're sitting in pizza and having these conversations, and I was like growing up mortified feeling and just feeling like I was like the comic bombing on stage, right? Just, I'm like, oh my god, I'm just getting so small. My body I've never, I had never experienced this before. It almost felt like involuntarily, my body was trying to pick me up and walk me away. And I had to force myself to stay seated and try to have this adult conversation were being but my body was pulling away almost like this. It was turning away, it was pulling away. And what I realized from that was, I had judged myself of saying, you know, you're being a big baby, you need to stay with this. Adults work out their relationship problems. You're not staying to work this out. You need to work this out with him. You've already failed one relationship a year before, you don't want to go through that again. What I realized was my body, which I believe is the closest layer to our soul, was not thinking like that. My body was saying you don't have to be here, being insulted and in a place where you feel like you're unsafe and unprotected. You can walk right away from this. We're trying to pull you away from this.

Coach Maddox  39:53  
Do you know why I believe that your body was telling you you don't have to work this out. You don't have to Stay here. Why do you think? Because your body knew that you were the only one that was willing to work it out your body, it takes too. If I had $1 for every time I stayed because I made a commitment, I can work, we know. I'm gonna do my I'm gonna, I'm gonna we're gonna work it out. And then there was, I can remember in one relationship years ago, my clients were even asking me, Why do you stay? And I said, because I don't yet know that it's okay to go. Yes. And as soon as I, there was that moment, when I had kept saying, I want to work this out, I'm gonna, I can work this out. I can fix this. I can work this out. And when I realized that I was the only one saying that he was not saying that. I realized that I was going to go down with the ship.

Alex Amorosi  40:55  
Yep. Yeah, that was the moment

Coach Maddox  40:59  
when I realized it was okay to go. It takes two to tango, and he wasn't doing his part and wasn't willing to do his part.

Alex Amorosi  41:08  
The heart Yeah. And the hard part about that was he was very good at making it sound like he wanted to do it. Well, but I thought we can or you know, I'm not sure every time there was an actual pull away. I'm like, You know what, we don't have to do this. It's okay. It's only been six months. We'll let it go. But maybe we can, there was a lot of push, pull

Coach Maddox  41:23  
that persist. That's the narcissist right there.

Alex Amorosi  41:28  
And what really took the strength, though, was not going back after it was over. Because I got away from it. And it was like, if I felt relief in 2011, after it was like, it was like, Oh, thank God. And even my friends. Were all going Oh, thank God. And I'm like, What do you mean? Oh, thank God. They're like, well, we couldn't have told you anything. You weren't gonna listen to us. And I wasn't. That's on me. I wasn't gonna listen to them. They All Saw it. But I was too. I'm gonna make this work. I'm gonna make it work.

Coach Maddox  41:56  
I remember a time when I would not have listened to any friend or family member. No, not that way anymore. Now. When when the friends start to have red flags. And notice the red flags. I pay attention because you know, they love me. They're the ones that have been with me for the long haul.

Alex Amorosi  42:16  
My it's true. My one of my best girlfriends lives up. He lives in Boston. Now he and his his boyfriend lives out in San Francisco. But um, he was the one who was there that night. And I went over a mess. I went over to his house a mess. And he held me for two and a half hours while I ugly snot cried all over him, like convulsing trauma. Ugly, gross. He did not let go of me for two hours. And he showed me that night I was getting an example a template of this has been protected. This is what it feels like to be cared for. And he was he let it slip. He's like, I didn't want to say this. He's like, but you know, if this is what's going on, this isn't good. If this is the way you feel, and this is what he's stupid, like, this isn't good. And I'm like, but I can make it and he's like, Okay, go ahead, girl. Try to make it work. And luckily, I only tried to make it work for about three more weeks. But I agree with you. I think I tried my body was getting up because it was saying it's okay to go. You're not being judged for leaving this. You're not being judged. No one's looking down giving you a failing grade. I was giving myself a failing grade and beating up on myself and saying You coward you should stay. You're not being grown up enough. You're not bla bla bla. That was always my thing. When I was really realizing there are some times where you just have to walk away and it's okay. It's okay to do that. And that was a big legacy lesson.

Coach Maddox  43:43  
Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. You know, I want to call something out that you said this is a little bit of a segue, but I think it's really important. Your friend that let you ugly snot cry on him for two hours. Do you know how rare that is? To have a friend that would do that for you? In our community? I surely you'd have a dozen girlfriends that would do it for you. But another GBT cue man to do that for you. That is a rare thing and it's a rare thing that you were able to really get vulnerable and let him see all of that. That is what fucking friendship looks like and what it means to me that right there.

Alex Amorosi  44:27  
Right there right there he and he's still I just he just called me up an hour ago still one of my closest closest friends I you know group of three really close friends. I love them all. They're all very different. He's one of them. And it was that night where I knew this is a friend and it was the first time Maddox where I truly felt protected by another gay man. Protected safe. You're going to be okay comforted and not in a sexual way. Not in a sexual way does never happen between us, we are platonic friends. It was more than I, it took me years to process how important that was.

Coach Maddox  45:08  
You know, it's, I find it very sad that we, we don't show up that way, in our community, for our, for our friends, it's a rare thing. I'm starting to manifest that some in my life now. But it's been because I have been willing to take that emotional risk it's been because I have been willing to get vulnerable with it, as I make new friends and, and meet new men, I go to that vulnerable place pretty early on sometimes in the first meeting. Because to me, vulnerability is a great polarizer, you know, it's going to either make them scream and run in the opposite direction, or it's going to make them come and want to sit right next to me, in whichever way it is, I want to know pretty quick, I want to know, right off, you know, because I'm not going to invest any more time. And if I, if I have to hide who I am to find out eight months later that they're going to scream and run, when I show that vulnerability, I'm just going to show it right up front front. You know, I, this is metaphorical, in a way. But I tell my friends, I make it a point to fart on the first date. Because if they have a problem that we need to know that now. And it's the same with the vulnerability, I make it a point to get vulnerable pretty quick. Because it will it'll let you know who they are right away.

Alex Amorosi  46:37  
I think and it's and it's also, you know, it's it goes back to even that I hold on bro idea of authenticity, right? Where it's like, I'm being true to myself. And therefore I feel like I'm respecting that other person want to be true to myself, because I'm not trying to do anything to control the way they think about me. You're when you're like, here's me. And we might be puzzle pieces, or we might not be but here's me, you know,

Coach Maddox  47:02  
you're also honoring them. Alex. Yes, yes. i When the man that I'm now in relationship with on the first date, we had been sitting at the table in the restaurant for five minutes. And he he had lost a 20 year, husband of 20 years earlier this year. And then he said, You have to excuse me, I'm having really intense flashbacks right now. And he was he was remembering dinners with the ex. And he's and he's having a really intense moment. We've been at the table for all of five minutes, right? And I just reached out and and I put my hand on top of his hand and I said it's okay. And when I said it's okay. Tears just streamed down his face. And in that moment, I think it was that moment when I thought oh my god, I'm in love. You know, I think this is it. I I've never really believed in love at first sight. So I've been reaching out to some of my coach friends and saying, Do you believe in love at first sight? And they're like, Absolutely. Because that is exactly. I didn't want to walk away that night, when dinner was over. And it was totally, I didn't want to walk away. And later he told me he didn't want to walk away either. It was hard to walk away. But it was because that vulnerability was introduced in the first five minutes.

Alex Amorosi  48:26  
First Sight. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And that adds value to the opportunity. It is beautiful. That's a beautiful story. And it um, it shows us to you know what we're willing to risk. You're willing to risk? You know, you MAY Yes, you may perceive a rejection of someone who doesn't like it. But you know, you open up the possibility for someone to really connect with you in a deep way.

Coach Maddox  48:53  
You know, I've practiced it enough now that it doesn't seem so risky every once in a while they'll be an aspect that seems scary and risky. But everybody in my life now has heard me say vulnerability is my superpower. Yep. And I wield it like it's a sword. Yep. It opens doors, builds bridges, clears pathways in a way that nothing else can.

Alex Amorosi  49:23  
So what is Brene Brown Brene Brown has a saying I was like, which is strong back soft front. Wildheart. And, you know, and that soft front, right? Where it doesn't feel as risky. But that's being vulnerable be like here, here's me, you know, trying to do my best, flawed, messy human being doing my absolute best, you know, and I think when we can recognize that in each other and I especially feel like in our community too when we can we trust each other enough to let some of the armor down. There's so much deeper possibility of connection that we can find in that soft front, you know that just like, I can just meet you, you know, I can just hold you. I can just hold you.

Coach Maddox  50:09  
That is the premise of the whole podcast the premise, the reason the purpose what you just said, right there. I always I love little phrases and metaphors. I love them. And so I always say, you know, I'm gonna, I'm gonna let you see this the softer side of Sears. Do you remember that commercial? Are you? Sears? It was that was one of their their taglines, the softer side of Sears. Yeah, let's cut. Let's go back to relationship number two for a minute. Once that had ended, what was? What was your big takeaway from that? What was the biggest thing you learned from that that moved you forward and spurred deeper work for you.

Alex Amorosi  50:58  
I'm worth standing up for my own life. I am worth standing up for my own life. I swear to God, Mannix in July, when I was on the beach, it felt like it started in my lower abdomen rose up from within me this power that said, Stand up, you are worth figuring out what's going on here for yourself. You can't control him. You can't control other people. But I sure as shit can figure out what's going on with me. And I was worth doing the work necessary to have what I wanted and claim my own narrative for on my own life, which always eluded me up until that point, my own feeling of narrative around myself.

Coach Maddox  51:42  
I want to call out for the listener, you know, you guys can only hear him, you can't see him. But I want you to just make a note of the conviction in his voice right now, as he says those words. That's really powerful. Like I feel it all the way to my core.

Alex Amorosi  51:59  
I one of my favorite, favorite movies growing up was the Joy Luck Club. And now it's a favorite book. I love Amy Tan's books in a little book, but there's this scene that is active so beautifully. Rosalind Chao is sitting in the rain in the backyard of her house, and she's plays robes. And she's married to her husband's played by Andrew McCarthy, they they're going to have a divorce and their meetings to sort of divide the assets. And she's cheated on her, he's treated her poorly. And she stands up for herself and the words I always remember her saying and she pointed, she says to him, you're not taking my house, you're not taking your duck, my daughter, you're not taking any part of me. And that was what started to arise within me at that point was I thought, I thought you're not taking any part of me. You're not taking this, you're not you're not going to have taken part of my soul with you. That's not yours. And I felt it come from a place. I don't even know how it happened. I think it was just grace to put that you know, or a blessing of some sort or just rose, you're worth standing up for yourself and your life.

Coach Maddox  53:08  
Well, and up to that point you had freely given it away.

Alex Amorosi  53:12  
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, there was a big sale. Ever. Yeah, here. Here's me. Here, here you go. Here you go. Here you go. Here you go. And I and there was part of me that you too, you know, I also had to really resist for the first six months going back to him. That was the heart that was when I needed that strength. That's when I needed you're not taking any part of me that's when I had a visualized rosin show in my head saying you're not getting anywhere. Because even unfriending him on Facebook, I can. My heart was beating in my throat. I even not responding when he would contact me. Felt like a friend of mine, mate, give me a genius technique goes just text me. If he texts you text them what you're going to send him send it to me, send it to me. And that showed me I could be strong. It showed me I couldn't be strong and that I could advocate for myself. And that I could I think what it keeps coming back to for me too is that I could claim my worth again, like you said, like I've really given away I've sold but also claim my own narrative around my own life. Which really had eluded me up to that point. I was relying on everybody else's thoughts and opinions about what was going on. And everybody has a thought and opinion. What's going on here in my heart and my solar plexus. What's going on in here and I stay true to that. That was a big solidification that happened to

Coach Maddox  54:48  
you do a really excellent job of languaging all of this. You're a very good storyteller, but you language in a way that it should This really drives the point home, I get it, it's almost like I close my eyes and just see it visually as you tell about it. Your your way of of sharing this is really powerful.

Unknown Speaker  55:15  
I'm glad, I hope it's helpful. So,

Coach Maddox  55:18  
let's come present time now. Where are you now?

Alex Amorosi  55:26  
Oh, you know, I could actually say I'm happy luksic I'm happy. Like I had 2012 to 2014 I had an incredible therapist who was a spiritual therapist, he had former chaplain, and incredible, he was also a mentor figure to me in a lot of ways. He helped me dig out a lot of the backstory of this, you know, through childhood knows the backstory of where this came from. And I have a wonderful therapist. Now I went back to therapy in 2016. And and I have a wonderful therapist actually is not far from my house here, outside of Austin. And I found an energy worker who also did indigenous shamanic shamanic work, which I remain so grateful for, I can't even describe how grateful I am for that. I know know who I am. Even though that's always in flux. But I'm also, you know, I'll get a little emotional saying it but like, I bought the narrative the game and never happened. You're never happy, you're never going to be happy. I bought that societal narrative. And I've really proven that untrue. I mean, I'm not saying like, have my legs run lonely. I have my nice where, you know, like, we all do we all have. That's just part of the human experience, I think but

Coach Maddox  56:46  
but loneliness and happiness can coexist, you can be a happy person and still have moments of loneliness.

Alex Amorosi  56:55  
You can and loneliness happens, whether we're winning romantic relationship or not. Whether that's part of the human condition, I think is to,

Coach Maddox  57:04  
you know, yes, it is. And we live in times right now, where it's really tough. You know, technology has pulled us apart, social media has pulled us apart, the division in politically has pulled, climate change didn't matter. Everywhere you look, there's something that is dividing us. And separating is something that's distracting is something that's sucking us in where we're paying less attention to each other. We don't live in a world that really supports us being deeply connected to each other. It is great friggin major work to be connected with what's going on in our environment right now. It is not conducive, in my opinion.

Alex Amorosi  57:47  
No, I agree. I agree. And I think, you know, I count myself really lucky as the last generation that came grew up without social media, you know, we grew up with with actually having to go out and connect with your friends in person actually having to go form human relationships. Sounds so old and saying this, but like, go outside and play and, you know, goes, you know, as I was growing up, but, you know, it's, it's, it's so ironic, because the great paradox of our times we're more connected than ever us, you know, sort of electronically, but I think really isolated from each other personal.

Coach Maddox  58:23  
Oh, yeah. I think the more connected we are technology wise, the less connected we are in reality. I think they're they're very connected. Yeah. Oh, I

Alex Amorosi  58:33  
agree. I agree.

Coach Maddox  58:34  
The electronic connection can be incredibly superficial and have no real meaning behind it. You know, two or three years ago, I removed my birthdate, off of Facebook, because every year, I would get anywhere from 150 to 250 birthday. Greetings on my birthday from people that I don't even know. Right. And I thought this is jacked up. I just removed my birthday. Now I don't get any Facebook greetings whatsoever. If I get greetings, their text messages or emails or phone calls or voicemails from people that I know and love.

Alex Amorosi  59:14  
Yeah, yes, yes, agreed, agreed. And I actually the only the only social media I'm on now is Instagram. I went off Facebook in 2018. I've looked back I just I could feel you know, especially after the 2016 election and the polarization that was happening. It just energetically felt like a drain. And I went to Twitter for a day and deleted it. Because I was like, I couldn't even believe what I was like, No, I can't that's too much. I'm a highly sensitive person. And yeah, I don't want that come into my space. But I think it's really interesting. I think, you know, even you know, even us as a community. You know, we think of it when I was coming out when I was 1920 years old. We still went to bars to meet each other. We still went out in person dancing to music.

Coach Maddox  1:00:02  
You're reading my mind. I mean, I tell all my friends most of my friends are younger than I am. Yep. Just because, you know, I don't know, I have a hard time meeting him in my own age. They don't go to bed at 730 at night. I really miss cruising, huh? No, there was there it was, it was like an art there was, there was substance there was something to it. It was this dance. And it took time. And there was something really, the hunt was very, very fun. And now you just get on and order pizza. You orderly, do you it's just like ordering pizza. There's no, there's, there's no seduction. There's no mystery. It's just, you know, you get on the app and you go, Okay, show me your dick pictures, you know, and they show you and then you give them your address. And I don't I don't do that this is I can't even I'm like you I'm an HSP that shit doesn't work for me even a little bit. But I hear the stories. You know, it's just this quick exchange back and forth. Here's the address, they show up on your porch. And there's no nothing about that. That appeals to me. It's like so prior to this relationship, I had been celibate for a very, very long time. Oh, wow. Very long time. Because I just can't bring myself to do that. You know, it's like, there was a point where meaningless meaningless sex just didn't didn't cut it anymore. Just couldn't. Yeah.

Alex Amorosi  1:01:38  
I hear that I, um, I was grateful for you know, I through the apps, I have met some really good friends. Three of my really good queer friends. two gay men, one bisexual men. I've met through the apps. I have. I'm grateful, you know, I can't just run right out. But if I talk to someone, I get a feel for them. And I, you know, we need or whatever. It's like, you know, I have found the balance for me of expressing my sexuality in a healthy way and meeting that need and desire for myself. While also feel like I'm being true to what my body really wants. And I always feel like some kind of exchange connection. How are you? What do you do like some things which used to be the old way, right, where you meet someone, you know, I was looking I was watching the old Periscope the other night even that at the beginning, like they're all at Babylon talking to each other, picking each other up talk getting to know even a little bit about the person. Yeah,

Coach Maddox  1:02:35  
at least some connection. But you know, you show up at the door. The next thing you know, we're naked and barfing. Now, I got to know a little bit about you, even if it's just a 30 minute conversation over a cocktail. I don't need to be in love. But I do need to feel some sense of connection.

Alex Amorosi  1:02:52  
I think it's important to Yeah,

Coach Maddox  1:02:55  
I think I have determined that I'm a demisexual

Alex Amorosi  1:02:58  
hmm, remind me what that is, again, is

Coach Maddox  1:03:02  
that that is somebody that isn't interested sexually, unless there's some type of emotional connection. Doesn't have to be Oh, you're the love of my life. But we demisexual is native and emotional connection. Yeah, the whole you know, I don't even want to know your name just bend over is not doesn't work for us.

Alex Amorosi  1:03:23  
No, no, doesn't work that there's also a certain amount of, you know, I was noticing, like, you know, in that career smoker is just making me laugh because it's so dated now. It's 20 years old, the first clearance folk, you know, and, and there's even Brian Kinney, you know, you know, everybody wants to be him. Everyone wants to fuck him. You know, it's just like, there's a little bit of mystery to him. There's a little bit of like, what's behind the, what's behind the eyes was there's that draws you a little bit. And I think that, you know, even over the pandemic, we've, we've all communicated more through zoom, and we've all can communicate more digitally. And that's been wonderful in so many ways. There's wonderful I agree my business but

Coach Maddox  1:04:04  
I mean, as a single person, I think that lives alone. I think I'd have died if we didn't have zoom. I would have just, yeah, just the isolation was just unbearable zoom was when people bitched about zoom I was like, Man, I don't I don't get what you're bitching about it's been a godsend for me.

Alex Amorosi  1:04:21  
Lifesaver Yeah, yeah.

Coach Maddox  1:04:23  
Yeah. Well, let's circle back for a minute because I would love to know based on everything you're sharing your journey from giving it all away to taking a stand. You know, I'm not giving it all away anymore. What's the what's the big wisdom bomb that you can drop on? Me and the listeners?

Alex Amorosi  1:04:48  
Oh, man, um,

Coach Maddox  1:04:51  
your Your journey has been incredible. I just once again want to you know, I want to applaud you. Oh, thank you, cuz you're doing the heavy lifting and And that's that's kind of rare, you're on the road less traveled, especially the road less traveled by GB, TQ man. So I hope this really hits home, I'm always preaching, you got to do the work, guys, you got to do the work, you're not doing the work, you're never going to have a life that you can be happy and proud of.

Alex Amorosi  1:05:20  
You know, it's funny, as you're saying this, I think one of the big wisdom takeaways is love yourself enough to be honest with yourself. Love yourself enough to be honest with yourself and love yourself enough to be honest with yourself no matter what you see. Because when you start to is peeling away the layers and you start looking at yourself, honestly, some of us real ugly, it is really, really, you know, and really painful, and really painful. And it does require support, you know, when you know, when possible to find support from people who really know how to support that journey. I've been really fortunate and privileged to be able to do that. But to love yourself enough to be honest with yourself and to, to when you witness, whatever it is, it transforms it before your eyes when you witness the pain when you witness your own shadow self. When you witness the darkness in your own heart. It literally in that moment transforms and turns into a blessing. And that's what I feel begins to bring me into the place I am tonight where I feel strong and soft.

Coach Maddox  1:06:36  
I've always heard you know when you can bring things out of the darkness into the light of consciousness. That dark stuff can't survive in the light of consciousness. Exactly,

Alex Amorosi  1:06:50  
exactly. You see that? You know, when I've taught trauma sensitive yoga, before the training we would do years ago, we would talk about you know how our minds can turn a hat rack in a dark room into a monster. And when we walk into the room, and we turn on, you know, and it's scary and the lightning is flashing and polarized is going into all the music and it's freaking you out. You turn the light on and go oh, that was a cat rock. That was a hot rock. And I've lived

Coach Maddox  1:07:18  
I live that's a beautiful metaphor. I love that. Thank

Alex Amorosi  1:07:21  
you. Thank you. But I live 3035 years of my life with those proverbial hat racks in the corner, running the show. From behind the scenes. Yeah.

Coach Maddox  1:07:34  
Beautiful wisdom bomb. I love that. Thanks. Well, this has been a complete pleasure, your stories and your ability to language him and Sharon were amazing. Thank you. How about some rapid fire questions?

Alex Amorosi  1:07:49  
Go for it site.

Coach Maddox  1:07:53  
When was the last time you sat in a group of GB TQ men and engaged in deeper, more heartfelt conversation that included authenticity and vulnerability.

Alex Amorosi  1:08:07  
Oh, a month ago, five weeks ago?

Coach Maddox  1:08:11  
Cool. I asked somebody that today was last time you cried in front of LGBTQ man. And he said 30 years ago and I said for me it was this morning. Okay, if you only had moments to live, what would be your greatest regret?

Alex Amorosi  1:08:33  
I wasn't kinder to myself.

Coach Maddox  1:08:36  
When I could have been Say that again. Alex, please.

Alex Amorosi  1:08:40  
Oh, that I wasn't kinder to myself. When I could have been?

Coach Maddox  1:08:46  
Yeah. Wow, who? Wow, I'm feeling that over your life that you've lived so far? What are you most proud of?

Alex Amorosi  1:09:00  
Fathers are really good. I am really proud of the work that I do in the world. That helps others. But I'm also really proud of the work I've done to help myself. And I don't think they have to be mutually exclusive.

Coach Maddox  1:09:17  
No, I think they're actually very, very connected.

Alex Amorosi  1:09:20  
They're very connected, and they and they feed each other.

Coach Maddox  1:09:23  
I think that your ability to help others is a direct indirect proportion in relation to your ability to help you as you as you go deeper into your process. You your what you share with the world will be much deeper and more powerful.

Alex Amorosi  1:09:40  
Exactly. It's like I'm gonna sit with those spaces with somebody else who can't be there and hold the space for that. If you can hold the space in yourself. It's for yourself.

Coach Maddox  1:09:49  
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Well, wow, what an honor and a privilege this has been.

Alex Amorosi  1:09:58  
Thank you. Thank you Hey, thanks, Amy here, medics, thank you

Coach Maddox  1:10:01  
so much for sharing your wisdom. I know that this is going to ripple out and affect men in powerful ways. And there's there's one thing that I want to leave you with and that is to tell you that I certainly see you as an authentic gay

Alex Amorosi  1:10:18  
man. Thank you. Thank you very much. I received that. Thank you.

Transcribed by

Alex AmorosiProfile Photo

Alex Amorosi

Spiritual Coach

Alex Amorosi has been practicing and teaching spiritual healing arts for over 25 years. He began his journey as an agnostic and skeptic, and has spent many years coming to understand the subtle realms of the mind and reality from a grounded analytical perspective. He has extensive knowledge of human energetic and physical anatomy from almost 20 years of teaching yoga and almost 15 years practicing Reiki and energy healing. He has evolved a unique approach to energy healing that combines coaching, energy work, yoga and physical movement, meditation, and teachings from modern and classical spiritual traditions.

Alex has been learning and practicing astrology since 2016. He incorporates ideas and techniques from the Vedic astrological tradition of India, the Hellenistic astrological traditions of ancient Greece and Rome, Medieval Astrology, Visual Astrology, and Evolutionary Astrology. Alex finds the symbolic language of astrology to be a powerful method for understanding oneself and the patterns in one’s life.

Alex is a practicing Buddhist and classical music enthusiast with a special love of Mozart, Sibelius, Mendelssohn, and Berlioz. He is a history and philosophy buff, cat dad, proud gay man and member of the LGBTQ+ community, aspiring fiction author, and general lover of life!