Coach Maddox  0:03  
Hello, Brian Falduto and welcome to The Authentic Gay Man Podcast. I am glad and looking forward to having this conversation with you.

Brian Falduto  0:12  
Thanks for having me. I'm happy to be here.

Coach Maddox  0:15  
Yeah, so just so the listeners know who you are have been a podcaster. And the way we know each other is we met at the International gate coaches conference in May of last year. Are you are I didn't ask, Are you going to be at this one in a couple of three weeks?

Brian Falduto  0:39  
I'm actually not I just I just emailed to let them know that I I'm actually not going to be able to make it. After all, I was hoping to booking a lot of I just put an album out in March. And I'm booking a lot of gigs around the country that have been really busy. And it was a really hard call. But it just it seems like it was just too much to make happen this year. But the beautiful, beautiful thing is happens every year. So I'll be there next year, for sure.

Coach Maddox  1:04  
It happens every year. And just congratulations to you for getting so many bookings that you can't go to the conference. That's amazing.

Brian Falduto  1:12  
Yeah, I figured it's like it's a good problem to have. But you know, it was it was a bummer. I I really love the conference, I always walk away feeling like a bit changed, you know, so. But yeah, it was last year, your first year? 

Coach Maddox  1:26  
It was and it was just life changing. For me. I came back from that and immediately went to my calendar and marked off the dates for 23. Because I said I'm going hook or crook I'm going. So we danced around it. I guess we ought to prep and be like the lead listeners know that you are a performer you saying you you're in a band. And on top of that he's a coach. So he has this dual life. It's like, no, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Brian Falduto  1:57  
Right? Yeah, I'm doing the artist thing. I'm also a coach to me, they don't they don't feel that different. You know, like, songwriting is kind of how I dig up my story. And I tell my story, and then coaching is kind of helping other people dig up their story, right? And how do they want to, like live in alignment with, with the story they want to be telling, right? So it's kind of like, feels like two sides of the same coin to me, but I understand sometimes that it, you know, I try my best to keep them in separate lanes as far as like social media and stuff goes because I don't want to confuse people.

Coach Maddox  2:31  
You know, I wouldn't have thought of that. But I love the way you just drew that picture for me. You know how you step? I mean, if I step and think about step back for a minute, yes, so many singers, if especially if they're writing their own music, they are telling their own story. Yeah. Beautiful. Okay, well, so I would like to know, what it means to you or how you define being an authentic gay man. Yeah,

Brian Falduto  3:04  
I think that's a great question. I think this is a awesome idea for a podcast. I think when I first came out of the closet, I did what a lot of a lot of us do. You know, you don't all of a sudden, like, know who you are, right? Just because you come out doesn't really mean you know, like, anything about yourself really, other than that you've you've made the first step on knowing yourself, maybe but you don't get to flip a switch on like years of not knowing yourself, right? So exactly. It's kind of like you're just walking through one of those I got touch tunnels and you're it's there was a lot of I lived very unconsciously I would say for like my first five years out as a gay man. And then I was unhappy enough for a while that I started to, like, look inward, and they started that journey. And I think often the authentic gay man is someone who's like, doing their best to uncover uncover that inner stuff and wear it on their sleeve. And in a way that's authentically visible, you know, not necessarily how they're presenting themselves or, or it's, it's not so much about the presentation more just about like, what's informing the presentation like what's what's underneath the surface and letting that come to the surface as often as possible and trying to remove the blockages that keep people from seeing that I think a lot of us as we grow up we like we like put on all these layers of protection right so just like removing those layers of protection. I don't know that's that's that's what I've got so far. What do you think?

Coach Maddox  4:48  
I think that's beautiful. You know, I love every definition that I've gotten over all of the the over a year that I've been doing this but I I love that and what comes to my mind It is I'm in a relationship. Now that's a little over six months old. And at one point, I remember telling him, You know, I wish that you would show the rest of the world and our friends, the same you that you show me, you know, because you present one way to me and you present differently to other people. And I knew it's because he had a level of comfort with me, what he was showing me was the real inner stuff. And maybe we are reluctant to do that. That's a scary thing. But after I said that to him, he began to really kind of lean in and and show our friends in our circle, more of what he shows me. And, you know, I told him, I said, if you just would show them, you'll have all of them eating out the palm of your hand. And that's exactly what's happened.

Brian Falduto  5:51  
That's very nice. Yeah, I'm in a relationship that's just under six months. So jump right behind ya. And he recently, just speaking of authenticity, he recently told me that the reason he loves me and because I'm the most authentic person he's ever met, and I don't say that in a boastful way, I just say that in a, it was honestly, probably the nicest compliment he could have given me because I remember where I was, like five or six years ago, and I, I've done a lot of work to try and remove, like those blockages that I've talked about. And so I don't know, for someone to be able to fall in love with this thing I've uncovered. That is me. It's just a really good feeling. You know, I have

Coach Maddox  6:36  
to agree with you completely. You know, when I look back in my lifetime, on the varying different compliments that have been given me, then they all are wonderful. But now the one that I get most often is, you know, the authenticity thing. In fact, some of my friends call me the authentic gay man, even my partner, sometimes he'll say, Well, I'm gonna blah, blah, blah with my authentic gay man. You know, and we get a chuckle out of it. But it is it is one of the best compliments that I could receive. So I'm, I'm right there with you. We you know, when we start to get that compliment, we know that our work is paying off.

Brian Falduto  7:12  
Yeah, that was that was kind of what I took it as I was like, All right, all right. I'm doing I'm doing something right here.

Coach Maddox  7:18  
Absolutely. Well, congratulations on the new relationship.

Brian Falduto  7:22  
Thank you. We're going to Cancun next week. A little little splurge. So it'll be really

Coach Maddox  7:28  
nice. Sounds wonderful. All right, well, let's get down to the real reason we're here, which is your story, your personal story. So you know, my, my big question is, what is it that you've gone through in this lifetime that, you know, that has been the hardest thing that you've had to maneuver? Navigate? And maybe you're still navigating it? Yeah.

Wil Fisher  7:54  
There's like two different directions. I could go with this and like, but I feel like they actually kind of tie together. So I'm just gonna, like, start talking and see what happens. But the, you know, I think the hardest thing I've ever gone through, has really like affected my whole life. But it's actually also the best thing I've ever gone through. When I was younger. In 2003, I was in a movie called School of Rock, and I, I played the role of Billy, also known as fancy pants. This was back in 2003, when there wasn't really much LGBTQ representation on screen. And I was 10 at the time. And the movie came out and I had this amazing experience filming the movie where I got to be a movie star as a kid, right? I got to be on stage every day with onset with Richard Linklater and the Oscar winning director who encouraged me to just be my most fabulous, authentic self. And that process was me at my most authentic, you know, it was I was just this Stassi bowl emboldened. You know, carefree kid who was really charismatic, and I got cast because of that. And then the movie came out, and I had a really different experience, you know, 2003, and I went back to, I went back to school after and like, back to my fifth grade class of boys and Mike, my character had a lot of like, queer characteristics. And so everyone started referring to me as the gay kid from the movie. And that was just a really hard thing to be referred to at the time, you know, in 2003, being gay, was an insult. You know, if, if someone called you gay was meant to be insulting, like they weren't complimenting you. And so I didn't even know what being gay meant. I was 10 I just knew that it was something that I I shouldn't be. I just knew it was like a bad thing. And so I like instantly shut it down. And by the time I realized I was potentially gay, I was already like, homophobic, and so I didn't end up coming out until senior year of college. College. But what's crazy is, I know so many gay men who were 10 when the movie came out who saw me on screen, who got to see someone else like themselves, and they were like, Oh, it's so cool to see that representation. But for me, I didn't really have anyone to turn to at the time. And so I ended up like going,

Brian Falduto  10:21  
I spent a lot of time sort of putting up all those blockages that I talked about, at the beginning of the podcast, I started during putting on these protections and just trying to blend in, even though I got notice for standing out. And to this day, you know, it's this year is the 20th anniversary of the film, I still get referred to as a gay kid from school and rock, every time they put out a new song I mentioned, I'm an artist, I like the gay kid from school, a rock released a new song. And you know, the it's different now. It's, it's, it's something I'm proud of now, it's become full circle, I like to talk about it, because it's an important conversation. I think it's it's representation conversation, it's a conversation about authenticity. It's cool, but it was a really hard burden to carry for a really long time. And I started to resent the experience. And yeah, reversing the narrative on, on that for myself, was was took a lot of work. And it's still, it's still not completely done. You know, they're thinking of doing a reunion in October for the movie, and I would go and there would be pressed and I'm still a little nervous, you know, it's like, it feels a little bit like reliving trauma, for the sake of this memory, but at the same time, it also feels like a cherished memory. It's like it's a little bit of both things at the same time. And so like, I'm excited, but I'm nervous. And yeah, go ahead. And

Coach Maddox  11:48  
I kind of have to wonder if it's an opportunity to completely break through to just completely knock it out of the ballpark. And, you know, it is this is followed you around for 20 years, and it's obviously not gonna go away, if they're still the news is still reporting, you know, the guy kid, every time you come out with a new song or a new album, it's not gonna go away. And this is your opportunity to, perhaps turn it into something that works for you rather than I mean, I can see where it would be extremely scary, because the thought is you're going to go through that all over again. But you probably wouldn't.

Brian Falduto  12:32  
Right? It's a different time. And, you know, like, I'll post I'll post stuff about it now. And you know, people will be like urine icon and all this complimentary stuff, and I get messages from people but social media didn't exist back then. In 2003, so when this film came out, all I had were the IMDB message boards, where as a kid in the fifth grade, I would go home after school every day and scour the internet trying to erase messages on these IMDb message boards that were calling me a faggot and, and all these like terrible things that, you know, I didn't even know, I didn't even know anything about myself. I didn't I just didn't want these things to be true, because I knew that they would mean something about like, my reputation. I was also just sad because, you know, this movie was supposed to be this really special experience for me, right? And I think a lot of people you know, they want to label something they don't understand and by tending to their own discomfort in that way, they like kind of took away that from me because they had to make it more comfortable for themselves more digestible, digestible for themselves. Yeah, glad to see

Coach Maddox  13:39  
I think that's kind of what's coming up for me, they had to take it away from you was your key word right there. And what's coming up for me is this is your opportunity to take it back.

Brian Falduto  13:51  
Totally. And, and I'm excited. Me and my friend were talking he's a fashion designer, and he's amazing. He was talking about maybe, you know, in the movie I wear like a school uniform because I'm a kid and he was talking about maybe doing like a like a Britney Spears. Oops, I did know Hit Me Baby One More Time styled shoot or I'm like doing like a really sexy, like gender bending school uniform photoshoot. like sort of like revisiting the character 20 years later, but really like owning it and being queer about it and having a good time. And I was like, that sounds like a really fun way to like, you know, revisit that but like take ownership of it.

Coach Maddox  14:33  
Well, I'm thinking you could even like go to the point where in all of your your marketing and social media stuff you could refer to yourself as I'm the gay kid from you know.

Brian Falduto  14:49  
Sometimes I get a phone it if I'm writing an email pitch, sometimes they do. Yeah.

Coach Maddox  14:55  
That's great. Well, so let's let's back up. Are you are you comfortable? We'll kind of unpacking some of that, because I think I think that listeners, and I think I will to really, really get a lot out of just hearing the details of your story. I mean, one of my questions was going to be, how long did that follow you? And then you answered it, it's still following you. So

Brian Falduto  15:21  
I mean, just two weeks I'm I'm doing in two weeks, I'm doing like this q&a, for a screening of the movie that I'm getting like paid to do, which is like crazy. If you think about it. Like when I was a kid, I had no idea that 20 years later, I'd still be doing stuff, like around the film, right? It's, I mean, on the one hand, it's amazing. It's awesome to be part of this movie that's had such a legacy. But at the same time, I've never once entered a social circle where I wasn't the gay kid from the School of Rock. So like, I don't even know what it's like to not have that like as part of people's preconceptions. Pretty authoritarian for preconception. Preconceived? Preconceived. Yeah, sure. Sure. Sure. Yeah.

Coach Maddox  16:05  
So that was that? Was that with Jack Black? Yeah. Okay, I don't know if I've ever seen it. But I'm familiar with the title, man, I'm gonna have to go watch. So So let's, let's unpack and talk about the impact that had on you at the time and how, how your family responded to that. How you muddle through how you dealt with it, what you did to cope with that. And just that progression, you know, because you've made this journey from it, just kicking the, you know, the wind out of you knocked the wind out of you to now, you know, sometimes like you just said, If I'm pitching I lead with that. It's become, you know, kind of part of your, your signature. And, yeah, it sounds to me, like you're in the process of really stepping back into your, your power. And I think this movie could play a pivotal role in that. But yeah, let's let's go back to the beginning and kind of track through it. And we'll just see what, what, what comes to the surface, what bubbled to the surface?

Brian Falduto  17:20  
Yeah, sure. Where do you want me to start?

Coach Maddox  17:26  
What was I mean, the first day you went back to school after the movie, you're thinking you've done this great thing you show up and and all of a sudden, the kids completely the boys? Because it probably wasn't the girls, the boys reacted differently than you might have thought. What was going on inside of TinyURL? Brian?

Brian Falduto  17:47  
You know, I've gone through a lot of therapy and something I really something I think I've learned is that I got what was the issue was that I got really mixed messaging about what made me special, right? My school, you know, the day the film came out, there was like an assembly outside and they like, put my name on the Billboard. Right? It was like, You are awesome. We're so happier student here, right. But at the same time, there was like an I hate Brian club in my class, right. So like, people were like, hating me for this thing, but also loving me for it. And it's like, we love that you've done this thing, you're really special. But it seemed to be the gay thing. That was the bad thing. Right? So it's like, it was fine that I was an actor, it was fine that I was in a movie, but I couldn't be gay. And so I had to almost like, you know, I had to really be like, No, I was just acting and then I had to change everything about myself.

So that people wouldn't, you know, associate me with the character right? But really, the character was just me it was this unfiltered, you know, kid who was just having a, having a blast. And that's what acting is often, it's just, it's just letting yourself be in the role, right?

Coach Maddox  19:01  
That having to completely shut down who you were, what was that Like?

Brian Falduto  19:06  
It was it was really tough. You know, it just I my brain got rewired you know i It was no long it just became about fitting in. You know, before that it was just it was just me being me and not really thinking about it and then and then it was just everything I could do to fit in you know, I recently this is a bit of a side but I think it's like it makes a good point. I recently I'm a big survivor fan. I've never missed an episode in like 44 seasons. And I recently did this like mock survivor where you go into the woods with like other strangers and it's not like the real survivor but they put it on YouTube and you like play survivor with like adults it's like fun and you like vote each other off and it lasts like five days and I was actually really good at it. I was like, so good at like of manipulating and charming people and like, navigating relationships, and I was a little concerned to how good I was. But then I thought about what I had to do. And I was in the fifth grade, and that was like, instantly turn off who I was, and just be who everyone else needed me to be. And I was like, Oh, I'm, like, hardwired for this. This is this is what I did. I survived my middle school, you know? So it's, it's, it felt kind of familiar in some ways, you know? 

Coach Maddox  20:29  
Yes. And I can see where, you know, the skill to be able to do that would come in handy at times, like on survivor. Yeah. You know, it just it just it would, you know, the ability to morphin. You know, listeners have certainly heard me say this before, there's a king size difference between fitting in and belonging, I always say fitting in is, is like putting a square peg in a round hole, we have to carve some of that peg away to get it in the hole. And we're carving parts of ourselves away, in order to fit somebody else's vision of what who we are and what we need to look like. And that's a tough thing to do. You know, I mean, literally, you're literally like stripping away parts of your own identity. And that has far reaching damaging effects.

Brian Falduto  21:27  
Yeah, anyway, in my, in my any other vehicle, I was like, I don't know what direction to go in. Because this, I think the second hardest thing I've been through, it's like, just navigating dating in my 20s. And the reason I think that was so difficult is because I wasn't looking for someone who liked me, for me, I was just trying to fit in with, with, with whoever was available to me and like often chasing the wrong person, because they were validating me, which is like a, a, like a pattern of behavior. I was I was used to, right so sort of stepping away from that, and you know, becoming okay with who I was, regardless of whether I was getting that validation and then building a healthy, secure love, like I'm doing right now that that was that's been like a really hard process in my 20s to try and like, because the dating arena is where all that stuff's gonna come up again, right? 

Coach Maddox  22:26  
Yeah, absolutely. So, after having carved so much of yourself away to fit in. How did you come back to you? What were the steps that you took? Or how did you learn to move back toward just being? What's real for you? 

Brian Falduto  22:48  
Yeah, music was a was a big, took a big part in that, you know, I got my heart broke in my early 20s. And I, kind of therapeutically, I just picked up my guitar one night, and I like wrote a song. And music is cool, because you can say things you wouldn't normally say Right? Like, it doesn't feel as silly when you're putting it in a song. And so I found like, I reached in and I pulled out some like really vulnerable truths. And then you have one night over a glass of wine. I like shared this on with a friend and they were laying in America, this is so relatable thank you for sharing this with me. And that moment of reaching within yourself and pulling out something truthful. And then someone else being like, oh, my god, me too, or it, it being a connected vehicle. I kind of fell in love with that process, I started to share my songs with more people. And I was like, as a music kind of was the way I was like, oh, people actually do want to see what's going on deep inside of me. And if it's truthful, it will mean something to them. And not and I once I learned that, I started to search more for that truth.

Coach Maddox  23:59  
Because I'm hearing you say that music was the vehicle that took you into your own vulnerability

Brian Falduto  24:08  
100% Yeah. At first it was just like a life rafts like it was just like a therapeutic thing. I wasn't planning on sharing my songs with anyone. I was just like, you know, it was kind of I needed I was so miserable. And I just had to get some of this stuff out somehow, you know? And then yeah, musics. Music is a cool thing like that. So

Coach Maddox  24:33  
if you, in your mind, run back through some of the songs that you've written. Can you share one line of a song that really stands out for you? That was part of that healing process?

Brian Falduto  24:50  
Yeah, it's always vulnerable to speak the lines right? But my very first song I ever wrote is called in my mind And the first line goes writing in the notebook you gave me because I really was he had given me a notebook. And I just didn't know where else to start with writing a song. And I was like writing in the notebook you gave me staring at the things that make me think of you. And I don't want to. And then the chorus goes, go away, leave my head, get up and go like you left my bed. Please don't leave anything behind. If you're going to leave. It's only fair. You take what's in my mind.

Coach Maddox  25:41  
Wow. You moved me there? Wow. Thank you. That's amazing. I'm speechless. So I can see I can see where that was a big part of the healing. But that's how old were you when you started writing music? 

Brian Falduto  26:06  
Early 20s. Is thatI want to say like, 24 25 Yeah, I'm 31 now. So what was the vehicle that took you before music? But for music when you were this 10 year old, this was all happening? How did you work yourself back? Or did you not? Was it that you just completely you were in this persona of what everybody else wanted you to be for? From age 10 until you started writing music at 25. Yeah, like pretty much kinda like, yeah, I didn't come out until senior year of college. And I only came out because I was in a relationship. But it was a really toxic relationship. Neither of us were happy. Neither of us knew what we wanted, or who we were. And it was just constant conflict. And then I was, once I got out of that, I was just, I was just, I was an out gay man, I had come out because of this relationship. And I was just an out gay man. And I didn't know what to do with that other than seek validation everywhere I can find it. So I just I tried to go on dates or have hookups you know, very, very classic velvet rage stuff, right? Like, just really just I had a job at the time I worked at a radio station, always kind of always just like so. So everything was Do or die, right. Like I had, I had to get the promotion I had to get the guy like it was just, it was it was just like I was on a treadmill, you don't I mean? No, man, I just like stopped i i wasn't till I was like 24 or 25 that I started sort of that process of taking a step back. But I find myself fortunate because I know a lot of gay men don't really get there to like their 30s You know, a lot of people are in their 20s or in that you're making a face 

Coach Maddox  28:05  
There's some that never get there they live their lives out and die and don't ever get there.

Brian Falduto  28:10  
I think because of what I went through when I was younger and the intensity at which I experienced it. I was able to have sort of like an awakening in my mid 20s You know, which I feel really grateful for in the long run and that's why I'm entering my 30s Feeling pretty happy with like who I am or at least the journey I'm on right

Coach Maddox  28:34  
that that modeling yourself to be what other people wanted you to be or needed you to be anytime weshut off who we really are to be what will make other people happy. There's alwaysa cost to that. You did that for 15 years. What would you looking back what would you say the biggest cost was in that for you personally?

Brian Falduto  29:11  
That's like a full bodied answer right now. I can like I'm getting like goosies but I think my mental health was the cause you know, I deal with a lot of anxiety even these days even even as happy as I am now I'm still dealing with like anxiety on a daily basis almost you know, I have a lot of like a lack of self trust often or or I just feel unsafe a lot. You know, and I'm trying to teach my body safety is like a daily you know, effort right trying to put myself in situations that feel safe people who feel safe around doing things that feel comfortable while still challenging myself, of course, right, but like, you know, I, to this day, I still I feel unsafe a lot, even when there's no reason to feel unsafe. And that's, that's a mental health issue, you know?

Coach Maddox  30:20  
And that's part of that that cost is you just feel unsafe all the time. Where, where do you look for that safety. 

Brian Falduto  30:32  
Meditation has been probably like my number one, mostly, like compassion practices have been really helpful for me, just like, the compassion has been, like, the biggest mental health tool for me. And then just like, learning who I feel safe around, learning to trust my body, and not spending time with people who, who my body doesn't feel safe around for whatever reason, right, just trusting my nervous system and, you know, hanging out with people who feed my energy and make me feel supported. You know, making conscious efforts to, to slow down to and and listen to my body, if I'm going too fast, you know, and, you know, taken out a lot of rattles. Yeah,

Coach Maddox  31:23  
I'm more than double your age. And I have struggled with safety issues all of my life, and particularly safety in the presence of other gay men, it wasn't so much elsewhere, it was very much an issue of feeling safe in the presence of other gay men, generally, not specifically, but just generally, a room of gay men would be like a cat on a hot tin roof. And it was only maybe four years ago, that I realized I had spent my life looking for safety everywhere, but where it actually lived. I had looked for safe places, I had looked for safe people I was looking out here. And there was this moment when I had this light light bulb, like our lightning bolt is more like it moment where I realized that if I was ever going to feel safe, the safe place that I was seeking was inside of me. Yeah. And I had to take responsibility for my safety. I was trying to find somebody else to be responsible for my safety. And I realized that if I could take responsibility for my safety, really create that safe place in here. I don't that I don't think I realized at that moment, what would that do for me, I knew that I needed to take responsibility I just had this moment of it's up to you. And then when I did just, and it was inner child work, you know, I went in and just worked with the little little guy that lives inside of me, reassuring him in that I was, I was fucking going to take care of him that I wasn't going to let anything happen to him. Just create that safety. The weirdest thing about it was, I had searched for safety in other people in places throughout my life, and it had always it had always been aloof. And that's not the right word I'm looking for. And I'm not coming up with a word I'm looking for. It had always been out of reach, I never could quite get there. And as soon as I found and took responsibility and created that safe place inside of me, then everywhere I looked, I saw safety as Unsafe people, I saw safe places. There rarely Now am I in a place that I don't feel safe. I mean, there's occasionally places where I don't feel physically safe, you know, you're on the wrong side of the tracks or something and you just don't feel safe. But emotionally, it's a rare thing for me to be in a situation that I don't feel safe because it's in here. 

Brian Falduto  34:05  
Yeah, I mean, I have a daily practice of returning to that inner safety through like compassionate meditations, and why not, but it's, you know, I still got, you know, I get triggered, right? And then it's, it's, you know, I've learned a lot about like, the nervous system, and like, sometimes these triggers happen. Eurosceptic Lee, it's not even like a conscious thing, whether I choose to recognize unsafety right. So like, sometimes I just feel unsafe, and it's not even warranted and you know, like on a conscious level, and so, I've just learned to respond to that in ways that sort of, hopefully advance my healing, right. But yeah, it's it's a challenge. You know. My therapist always says, you know, when we were when we're a kid, the big fear is that we'll be abandoned but as adults, we can't be abandoned. You know, you can't be abandoned as an adult, you you're an adult, you know, you can take care of yourself. So it's, it's I try and try and remind myself that like a lot of those fears they had when I was younger orange aren't the same, you know, I canI can I can handle them now. Yeah. 

Coach Maddox  35:21  
Yeah, that's, that's a big part of it. Well, it sounds like you've come a very, very long way.

Brian Falduto  35:29  
Working on it, working on it. I think I told you right before we have gone, I had just had therapy before this, and, you know, a bunch of stuff came up, and it is what it is.

Coach Maddox  35:41  
Well, and it's a lifelong process. You know, I was tickled when especially my young friends say, I'll be so glad when blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, that doesn't didn't work that way. This is a lifelong process. Ever.

Brian Falduto  35:57  
The younger queer generation, though, they're exciting, like I think, you know, right out of the gate, they're kind of asking, like, how authentically Can I show up in this world, it's cool to see some of these, like, these gender queer kids, and everyone who's really male because of representation has increased. It's cool. You know, I think, I think it's still a really challenging time. But I see a world where like, these, these kids take over, right, and people can just be themselves, you know, it's, uh, I'm hopeful. 

Coach Maddox  36:29  
Well, we're headed that way very quickly. Now. You know, it could take a turn. You never know where things are gonna go. But I grew up in a small town in Central Texas, and I came out 43 years ago. And I was certainly not I didn't come out until I was an adult. But I was terrorized in school, you know, because I was not the bitchiest, you know, boy on the block. And I, somebody forwarded me an article here about a year ago, an article about my high school where there was a transgender student, the faculty wouldn't school board, faculty wouldn't allow them to use the bathroom of choice. And the entire student body was protesting in support of the trans student, and this was in a still backwards, you know, one horse town in central Texas. Yeah. I, the article moved me so much that I cried when I read it. Because I'd had such a different experience.

Brian Falduto  37:44  
Yeah, that's awesome. Thanks for sharing that. Yeah, the kids, the kids are onto something.

Coach Maddox  37:50  
They are they they really are, there's a generation now that's seen the light in a manner that even your generation didn't see. It's, it's crazy how so many of the young people are embracing anything that's different than them? Whether it's race or gender, or sexual orientation, or they're, they're embracing it rather than rejecting it?

Brian Falduto  38:21  
Yeah, it's very exciting.

Coach Maddox  38:25  
It's a beautiful thing. Well, what would you say you've done a lot of work, you've come far, you're looking like it's, you're gonna get an opportunity to be in this second movie, what you've done the work you do, and you continue to do the work, we talked about a cost, you know, what it's like to whittle yourself away to fit into a world? What would you say your biggest payoff has been for doing the work that you've done, the responsibility that you've stood in to say, This is my life, and only I can make it or break it. You see a therapist, you become a coach, you're helping others and there's no better way to you know, we teach what we must need to learn. So you're doing all this great stuff, what has your biggest payoff and all that been?

Wil Fisher  39:24  
Yeah, I think my payoff is that I get to, I get to spread the message of, of love and acceptance and compassion that I didn't have. You know, I do that through my coaching. I'm planting little seeds in people's minds and hoping to hoping to you know, have them have let them have these awakenings I've had and also like, I think I said a little bit but like, what I went through when I was younger feels worth it to me now. Now that I know what it meant to so many people. I spoke publicly about my story for the for was time like five years ago. And my interview went viral I had over 5 million views and and a bunch of people just sent me messages and, and just, it just made everything I've gone through kind of worth it because a lot of a lot of kids needed to see me on screen even though I had a really hard time. You know what I mean? It it meant something to a lot of people. And so the payoff is sort of the full circle of it all. I'm just listening to a song this morning, where the chorus keeps going, like, it's going to be okay, it's gonna be okay. But the verses are all the things all the moments in her life where like, it didn't feel like it was gonna be okay. Right. And yeah, I think the payoff is that it did turn out, okay, you know, and now it's just about teaching myself that it's that it's still okay. You know, it's reminding myself it's okay when it feels like it's not okay. Knowing that that propensity for feeling unsafe is there, but but the payoff is, you know, the full circle Enos of it all,

Coach Maddox  41:06  
huh? Yes. If we follow it long enough to get to the full circle, it's a beautiful thing. You know, I had had the awareness at one point that having been bullied for the entire 12 years I was in school plus some of college. I wouldn't want to live it again. I wouldn't, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And but I look back and realize how it has, it was the largest contributing factor to me being the man that I am today. Yeah. And that works out. I love the man that I am today. And I wouldn't I wouldn't take I would if you could take those away from me those experiences? I would say? No. Because it has come full circle, you know, and I wouldn't I wouldn't be who I am if it had been for those extremely painful experiences.

Brian Falduto  42:01  
Yeah, the man you are today is also paying it forward with conversations like these. And and yeah, I'm grateful for the man you are today. 

Coach Maddox  42:10  
Thank you. Thank you. Do you find that your Is it full circle enough that you are grateful for those experiences that you had even as as painful as they were?

Brian Falduto  42:20  
Yeah, absolutely. I'm definitely grateful for them. Yeah, honestly, I'm just I'm still kind of looking for, you know, blind spots, you know, stuff stuff. I haven't unlearned, right, or. And that work continues you so it's lifetime kind of thing.

Coach Maddox  42:40  
It is a lifetime. And and I think,thank God, what we do is so boring.

I mean, what would we do if there wasn't some aspect of of life to look at, and work on? I mean, it's been divinely created. So we don't ever get to the finish line, because if we did, it would be like, Okay, now what,

Brian Falduto  43:01  
I love that I'm gonna write that down and divinely created. So we don't ever get to the finish line.

Coach Maddox  43:08  
put my name on it.

Brian Falduto  43:09  
Totally, 

Coach Maddox  43:09  
Oh, this is great. This is great. So if you weren't going to, obviously, there are others who have experienced either what you've experienced or something very, very similar. We know that there beyond a shadow of a doubt, there are people that are going to listen to this that are going to relate in a really, really big way. Coming to the place where you've come now, what is the wisdom bomb that you'd like to drop on the listeners, if they're in some type of place or process that may be similar to what you've gone through? What's the wisdom bomb that you'd like to drop?

Brian Falduto  43:54  
Huh It's like a bit cliche, but, you know, no one ever stopped and told me that it was okay to be me. So I don't think that message can be said enough. Like it is okay to be you know, I never took the time to my parents. They they loved me so much. But they were living in just as a confusing time as I was. And fearful for you fearful for me, and I didn't get the message to just be who you are. It was you know, they were worried they were worried too. 

Coach Maddox  44:37  
And I don't think che at all. I think what you're saying is pure brilliance right now.

Brian Falduto  44:42  
And also like be who you are. Oh, I forgot the second half of what I was going to say. 

Coach Maddox  44:53  
Fly your freak flag. 

Brian Falduto  44:59  
Be who you are and is like we were also focused on doing. And it's in its moments of being that I've really taught me anything about myself. So really be who you are, you know, like I mentioned at the beginning, like removing all these blockages, a lot of those blockages are all the things we do all the things we do with our lives, right. But like, at the end of the day, we're human beings, right? And just, you know, know that you're enough just by being you don't have to do anything to be more than that. You know.

Coach Maddox  45:47  
I love it. And I agree wholeheartedly. I love it. That's beautiful. I hope the listeners really caught that, you know, be who you are. And be with being who you are. 

Brian Falduto  46:02  
Yeah, just just be 

Coach Maddox  46:07  
All right. How about some rapid fire questions?

Brian Falduto  46:10  
Oh my god. I'm ready.

Coach Maddox  46:11  
Are you ready? Yeah. When was the last time you cried in front of another gay man?

Brian Falduto  46:19  
Oh, this morning.

Coach Maddox  46:23  
I love it. I think it was yesterday for me.

Brian Falduto  46:28  
Yeah, no, this morning. This morning, I couldn't sleep last night. And then my boyfriend couldn't sleep because I couldn't sleep. And then he told me in the morning, and then I felt so guilty. I cried.

Coach Maddox  46:41  
I get it. That's connection. I like that. If you could go back in time, and talk to a younger you at any age. What age would you go back to? And what would you tell him?

Brian Falduto  46:56  
I don't know. I kind of wish I could visit myself. Like while I was filming the movie. And just like, just dropped like a little inkling of, hey, this is a big thing you're doing. You know, because at the time, I didn't know, I was just, I was just, I was just just doing the thing. You know, I feel like I wish I wish I had known like that 20 years later. You know, I just I just thought I was having an experience. You know, like I think I think I wish I could have? I don't know, I feel like I maybe would have went about it afterwards in a different way. If I had known. If I had known all these years later, then it would be such a thing still, you know? 

Coach Maddox  47:48  
Yeah. Good answer. All right. What has been the best moment of your life thus far?

Brian Falduto  48:00  
Oh, come on. That's not a fair question. That's the moment in my life so far.

Coach Maddox  48:10  
That's not a fair question. I'm not playing fair.

Brian Falduto  48:16  
There's so many. Don't I don't have I don't have a specific reference. But I'm gonna have to say the first time I ever really tapped into what I call God, through a spiritual sense, which is just being which is just presence. The first time I ever really just dropped the ego completely. Someone said once on Instagram, they were like, once you go past the ego, there's no going back. And there's just the very first time i i really stepped outside of it. And I, I was just, I was just, I was just there in the moment, the first time I experienced that, that's probably I've got a credit doc, because all of my favorite moments are those moments where I'm in that space. So I'm gonna go with the very first time that happened.

Coach Maddox  49:22  
I think that's an epic answer. I loved it. You know? I mean, I know, there would have been easy to say, oh, meeting the man that I'm with right now. But you know, and, you know, let's give him credit. He does get one of the big moments, but, you know, it's just it's bigger than him. It's bigger than just a lover relationship in it.

Brian Falduto  49:43  
Yeah, I mean, you know, in a way he and I were very spiritually connected, but our egos are also entwined, intertwined. Do you know it's not? It's not the same, you know? 

Coach Maddox  49:55  
Yeah. Yep. I get it completely. Well, This has been awesome. Thank you so much for sharing your story today. And I just want to tell you that I, and I say this with every person that comes on the podcast, but it's been true for every person that's been on the podcast, you are absolutely an authentic gay man. And so happy to be able to say that, I'd be able to tell you that of course, that's from my, my perspective. But yeah, I love your openness and your willingness to share and you do have a meaningful story.

Brian Falduto  50:39  
My pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. And, yeah, keep doing what you're doing. I think it's important. Thank you. Thank you.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai